I've never had a Casual Friday in any of my previous jobs. The firms/agencies in which I worked pre/during law school didn't have it, the college video store clerk gig didn't require anything over a loincloth and shoes, and the camp counselor job actually required me to dress UP on Fridays, not down. So, needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that my newest place o' work allowed for jeans come the end of the week. Even more surprising, I couldn't believe how much my productivity went up when denimly-attired. For some reason, I found myself more inclined to work harder for longer periods of time on Casual Fridays. This brought many questions to light: Was it the jeans that did it? Is it because I was more comfortable and, thus, less likely to shift position? Was it all in my mind? Am I the only one??
So I asked around. I found that many of my co-workers experienced the same jeans-related motivation as I had. I mean, it only makes sense, right? Man, in his natural form, is devoid of the restrictions provided by pants (both in movement and support). Therefore, encumbered by pants, man is farther from his natural form and desires to return to a pants-free state (just ask my Wife...the old apartment was often a pants-free zone. Needless to say, there's been quite an adjustment after having moved back in with Mom.). This desire prohibits Man from devoting full concentration to any given task and, thus, limits productivity accordingly. In fact, I postulate that there is a direct correlation between type of pants worn at work and productivity.
Take lawyers, for instance. Lawyers wear suits. Lawyers also bill by the hour (typically). However, a lawyer must work more hours than they bill in order to come out even. Why? Because you can only bill someone for the work you do, and no one works 10 hours straight on the same task (except for my sister, who, while she probably won't ever read this, would undoubtedly take offense at that blanket statement. But as I'm reasonably confident she's part robot, I'm standing behind my assertion.). You get up, you go to the bathroom, you take needed breaks, you do an expense report or two, etc... So, in order to get 10 billable hours of work, Joe Attorney needs to clock, say, 12 hours of work time. This system was put into place to ensure the client gets what they pay for. But in creating this system, no one seemed to take into account the amount of non-billable activity caused by wearing less-than-comfortable pants. Anyone who's sat in an office chair for hours on end in some good ol' flat-front cotton Dockers knows of what I speak--you sit for a while, then you shift, then you shift back, then you do the "half-stand-adjust" maneuver, rinse and repeat. And don't discount the ride-up factor--you know what I'm talkin' about, Gents. The ol' moose knuckle! Gets ya every time! Add to that the discomfort provided by your average partially-uncomfortable office chair, and you're knee deep in ADD pudding. The inability to sit still begets frequent/necessary breaks from whatever is being worked on and, thus, productivity takes a plunge.
There is the argument, of course, that wearing professional attire lends itself to increased productivity for reasons psychological in nature. To this, my good sir, I scoff. Just take a look at surgeons. These poor bastards have to stand up and work in dedicated concentration for hours on end, perform works of miraculous proportions and make snap life-or-death decisions, all the while functioning on limited sleep and worn patience. And does the hospital require them to wear black microfiber J. Ferrar's so they'll be at the top of their game?? NO. Surgeons wear scrubs...the polar opposite, in comfort and maneuverability, of suit pants/slacks. Obviously there are reasons other than comfort as to why surgeons wear scrubs...but the point is they're not required to wear slacks and, yet, are successful at helping people dodge DEATH daily. And if surgeons are permitted to wear the equivalent of pajama pants while someone's life is on the line, my vote's in for attorneys (and the like) to have the same privilege while they churn out briefs. If I'm meeting with a client, fine, I'll suit it up. Otherwise, I should be able to wear a freakin' hula skirt with suspenders if the moment moves me thusly.
Next time you're Fridaying casually, take notice of your productivity and attention span if you haven't on previous occasions. And then forward this post to your boss along with an already-revised version of your office's dress code. Your slacks-weary colleagues will thank you.
"Thus" Count: 3 + 1 "thusly"
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Monday, December 27, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
MoCo News: Snowmaggedapocalypsicane Thwarted!
It was announced earlier this morning that Montgomery County, MD, in anticipation of what may amount to a dastardly two inches of snow, will build an underground city as a safe haven for all future winter storms. The city, dubbed "Nirvana on the Pike," will consist of a series of interconnected tunnels and buildings allowing the citizens to live and thrive underground for months on end until the storm ceases or spring arrives, whichever comes first.
"This is probably the best idea I've ever had," commented County Executive Isiah Leggett, "We're even going to put two malls down there so, even in these subterranean conditions, people can still choose not to go to Lakeforest."
The county is working tirelessly to prepare "NiPi" for habitation by mid-January 2011, at which time residents of Potomac and Bethesda will be allowed to enter the premises and begin hiring independent contractors to improve upon their lodgings. Residents of Rockville, Gaithersburg, and Germantown will then be given entry to take up the remaining space. Olney residents will be provided with separate lodgings but will not have direct access to the city. Registration for NiPi will take place next week via either its newly-created Facebook page where you must "like" the city in order to secure your spot underground, or an app currently in development by the team who brought you Angry Birds.
"This is probably the best idea I've ever had," commented County Executive Isiah Leggett, "We're even going to put two malls down there so, even in these subterranean conditions, people can still choose not to go to Lakeforest."
The county is working tirelessly to prepare "NiPi" for habitation by mid-January 2011, at which time residents of Potomac and Bethesda will be allowed to enter the premises and begin hiring independent contractors to improve upon their lodgings. Residents of Rockville, Gaithersburg, and Germantown will then be given entry to take up the remaining space. Olney residents will be provided with separate lodgings but will not have direct access to the city. Registration for NiPi will take place next week via either its newly-created Facebook page where you must "like" the city in order to secure your spot underground, or an app currently in development by the team who brought you Angry Birds.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Zzzzzzz ZZZzzzzzz
FROBlog is taking a short nap, and will be back in commission as soon as it wakes up in early December.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Versatility My Ass
In going along with my theme from yesterday, here's another post full of positivity and optimism for all you law school grads out there.
http://thepeoplestherapist.com/2010/11/03/extremely-versatile-crockery
http://thepeoplestherapist.com/2010/11/03/extremely-versatile-crockery
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Painful Laughter
If you were a law student...YOU. MUST. WATCH. THIS.
This is the DEFINITION of "funny...because it's true."
And then we can all have a nice group cry session. Because it's true.
(Alternatively, if you are CURRENTLY a law student, you might want to hold off. You know...just to preserve that little dying glint of hope you still have tucked away deep down in your soul).
This is the DEFINITION of "funny...because it's true."
And then we can all have a nice group cry session. Because it's true.
(Alternatively, if you are CURRENTLY a law student, you might want to hold off. You know...just to preserve that little dying glint of hope you still have tucked away deep down in your soul).
Monday, November 1, 2010
A Monday Poem
Monday
Not Sunday
No Funday
Olivia Munnday
The cruel light peaks in through the pitiless window
My dreams dashed like hyphens.
The knowledge of impending desk jockeying begins to
Gnaw at my cerebrum.
A debacle of hemispheric proportions.
Yawn! Stretch! Flump.
Sigh...
Bedhead is my afterglow.
Not Sunday
No Funday
Olivia Munnday
The cruel light peaks in through the pitiless window
My dreams dashed like hyphens.
The knowledge of impending desk jockeying begins to
Gnaw at my cerebrum.
A debacle of hemispheric proportions.
Yawn! Stretch! Flump.
Sigh...
Bedhead is my afterglow.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Rally To Restore...FRUSTRATION??
The Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear took place this past Saturday on that National Mall, and things couldn't have run any smoother. Except for anyone who braved the metro system attempting to get downtown, that is. It took my small group of rally-goers 3 LONG HOURS to get from Silver Spring, MD to the Judiciary Square metro stop (ordinarily a 30 min trip, door to door) and, upon arriving at rally central, could barely move or hear/see anything. After spending about 30 minutes maneuvering through a sea of hippies and hipsters, we finally made it to a spot on Madison Drive where we could see bits of the main stage. We stood there for about 30 minutes, listening to garbled audio and watching two drunken MORONS try to climb a tree--first with shoes on, then with shoes off, THEN with shoes on again...because the SHOES were the problem.... As entertaining as the idiocy was, we decided it was in our best interests to get on the metro ahead of the masses and retreated to Judiciary Square, only to spend the 40 minute ride home sandwiched in between lots...and LOTS...of sweaty flesh.
That said, the rally was truly a tremendous success. A crowd of over 200 thousand gathered to hear Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert schtick it up along with numerous speakers and musical guests. The message of reasonableness was spread like buttah and, for just a few hours, DC seemed to be free of partisan bickery and political shenanigannery...and united in song, speech, and smiles. And, of course, sweaty flesh.
FROBlog's Chief Rally Correspondent, JFro, documented his journey there and back again:
That said, the rally was truly a tremendous success. A crowd of over 200 thousand gathered to hear Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert schtick it up along with numerous speakers and musical guests. The message of reasonableness was spread like buttah and, for just a few hours, DC seemed to be free of partisan bickery and political shenanigannery...and united in song, speech, and smiles. And, of course, sweaty flesh.
FROBlog's Chief Rally Correspondent, JFro, documented his journey there and back again:
Friday, October 29, 2010
For All Your Last Minute Rally Needs
The time is upon us, folks. Rally Day is tomorrow and it is bound to be a rally unlike any other! (Seriously. No other rally has ever been named "Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear. Fact.). Be there or be square. And if you choose "square," you're in for some serious post-rally guilt action, courtesy of THIS GUY (I'm pointing at myself with my thumbs).
Click HERE for last-minute RTRSAOF info!
Click HERE for last-minute RTRSAOF info!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Only Minor Smirks Allowed...No Smiling
Yesterday, the Washington City Paper sent a memo to its staff outlining the behavior they are and aren't allowed to exhibit if attending Saturday's Rally To Restore Sanity. In light of these obviously necessary restrictions, the FROBlog editorial staff thought it best to act similarly. To that end, allow me to present the:
Rally Rules for FROBlog Employees
1) No laughing.
2) No smiling.
3) Smirking is allowed, but the smirk must be no more than a slight curvature of the lips, the corners of the mouth not to exceed 3 MILLIMETERS over the top of the bottom lip.
4) Coughing is allowed, but only during pauses in the featured speaker's speech. Coughing while the speaker is speaking could be construed as taking sides which is expressly prohibited and cause for immediate termination.
5) Standing is allowed for intervals of 5 minutes at a time and must be immediately followed by sitting for an equivalent period of time to even out the signal being conveyed (i.e. Standing = Agreeing = You're a hippy liberal progressive socialist commie tree-hugging patchouli stick. And, btw, Glenn Beck has a hit out on you.).
6) No clapping. Hands or feet.
7) No cheering. Or jeering. OR sneering.
8) No heavy breathing. 15 breaths per minute, minimum (exemptions: asthmatics and those with portable oxygen tanks. Must possess a doctor's note. From a doctor with no prior political affiliation.).
9) Side comments to friends must be made out of public view. Side comments to co-workers may be made in public view but eye contact is strictly prohibited.
10) Itching of the nose or face is cause for drawing and quartering. And possibly slappin' yo mama.
Rally Rules for FROBlog Employees
1) No laughing.
2) No smiling.
3) Smirking is allowed, but the smirk must be no more than a slight curvature of the lips, the corners of the mouth not to exceed 3 MILLIMETERS over the top of the bottom lip.
4) Coughing is allowed, but only during pauses in the featured speaker's speech. Coughing while the speaker is speaking could be construed as taking sides which is expressly prohibited and cause for immediate termination.
5) Standing is allowed for intervals of 5 minutes at a time and must be immediately followed by sitting for an equivalent period of time to even out the signal being conveyed (i.e. Standing = Agreeing = You're a hippy liberal progressive socialist commie tree-hugging patchouli stick. And, btw, Glenn Beck has a hit out on you.).
6) No clapping. Hands or feet.
7) No cheering. Or jeering. OR sneering.
8) No heavy breathing. 15 breaths per minute, minimum (exemptions: asthmatics and those with portable oxygen tanks. Must possess a doctor's note. From a doctor with no prior political affiliation.).
9) Side comments to friends must be made out of public view. Side comments to co-workers may be made in public view but eye contact is strictly prohibited.
10) Itching of the nose or face is cause for drawing and quartering. And possibly slappin' yo mama.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Chuck E. Lamesauce
I recently attended a 4-year-old's birthday party at the place where a kid can be a kid. You remember it fondly, I know...the games, the flashing lights, the tickets, the prizes. And, of course, the ball pit! You went and played some games and then, when it was time for pizza, soda, and birthday cake (the cornerstone of every kid's mid-afternoon meal), you went into the "theatre" and watched the entertaining albeit somewhat disturbing animatronic puppet show featuring Charles himself and the rest of the Cheese gang. It was truly the best thing ever. EVER.
So it is understandable that my expectations (and, perhaps, hopes and dreams) were dashed when I went to this birthday party and found, to my surprise, dismay, and disbelief that the Chuck E. Cheese I came to know and love through my formative years had changed almost beyond recognition. Where there used to be a glittering row of skee ball machines, there was now a giant seating area for executing simultaneous birthday celebrations full of crazed ankle-biters set on running themselves into a state of extreme exhaustion until the pizza arrived. Where there used to be a collection of level-based arcade games requiring a hint of skill and a touch of thought there was simply a bigger space for seizure-inducing "games of skill," spitting out tickets at any kid willing to donate a token or two...thousand (not to mention, I didn't see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game ANYWHERE. For shame, C.E.C...for shame.). There was no theatre. There was no animatronic show. There was **GASP!!!** NO BALL PIT!!!!
Even the pizza was different (and, yes, I am able to state that, confidently, after not having eaten it since my pre-pubescent years). And, while all the little ones seemed to be having a great time running around like happy-go-lucky untamed sprites, I couldn't help but shed an invisible tear at fact that the kids of today will never experience the Chuck E. Cheese of yore. Well, at least at the Gaithersburg, MD location.
Lame sauce, Good Sir Cheese...lame sauce.
So it is understandable that my expectations (and, perhaps, hopes and dreams) were dashed when I went to this birthday party and found, to my surprise, dismay, and disbelief that the Chuck E. Cheese I came to know and love through my formative years had changed almost beyond recognition. Where there used to be a glittering row of skee ball machines, there was now a giant seating area for executing simultaneous birthday celebrations full of crazed ankle-biters set on running themselves into a state of extreme exhaustion until the pizza arrived. Where there used to be a collection of level-based arcade games requiring a hint of skill and a touch of thought there was simply a bigger space for seizure-inducing "games of skill," spitting out tickets at any kid willing to donate a token or two...thousand (not to mention, I didn't see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game ANYWHERE. For shame, C.E.C...for shame.). There was no theatre. There was no animatronic show. There was **GASP!!!** NO BALL PIT!!!!
Even the pizza was different (and, yes, I am able to state that, confidently, after not having eaten it since my pre-pubescent years). And, while all the little ones seemed to be having a great time running around like happy-go-lucky untamed sprites, I couldn't help but shed an invisible tear at fact that the kids of today will never experience the Chuck E. Cheese of yore. Well, at least at the Gaithersburg, MD location.
Lame sauce, Good Sir Cheese...lame sauce.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Bow Chicka Wow Wow
 | |
| Photo by Stacie Joy via Gothamist |
Ok, I guess the priest uniform is a Halloween costume, so Rabbi garb might as well be similarly acceptable. But, first off, there really is no official Rabbi-wear (I guess if you got the dog to perform a marriage and teach some Talmud?...). And, secondly, you'd think for such activities as a doggie costume parade you'd want to do something a little more...exciting? Like, maybe, Chanukah Doggie! You could somehow fashion a menorah with sparklers as candles that could be attached to its back? Too dangerous? How about dressing it up like a Maccabee with a real sword and armor! ...alright, having a little trouble getting away from the whole dangerous thing...Perhaps Rosh Hashanah Doggie, with a plate of apples & honey on his head?? (ok, I think we can both agree that's a probable fail). No, wait, wait...I got it...
Don't mean to be a hater...but, c'mon, let's kick it up a notch or two, shall we? L'chaim.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Don't Ask Don't Tell Watch--Day 9
FROBlog has been closely monitoring Don't Ask Don't Tell these past few weeks, hoping to catch a glimpse of the elusive flip-flopping policy as it pokes its head in and out of implementation. Before today, the last we saw of it was on October 12, 2010 when Federal Judge Virginia Phillips was seen applying the sleeper hold on DADT in a back alley behind the courthouse. However, just today we received word that DADT was escorted back into the Pentagon with President Obama and a Ninth Circuit Appellate Judge under each arm! We tried to get a statement from DADT, but the beleaguered policy simply shrugged its shoulders in confusion, muttering something that sounded like, "I feel like a ping pong ball..."
In related news, the President and Judge Phillips will attempt to settle their differences over whether DADT should be dealt with in court or Congress via an all-out thumb war in a tented arena on the White House Ellipse. Rumored attendees include the Salahis (though they have not been formally invited) and any lingering, post-match Constitutional questions will be fielded by Christine O'Donnell.
More to come as FROBlog continues its....um...continuing coverage of Don't Ask Don't Tell Watch 2010!
In related news, the President and Judge Phillips will attempt to settle their differences over whether DADT should be dealt with in court or Congress via an all-out thumb war in a tented arena on the White House Ellipse. Rumored attendees include the Salahis (though they have not been formally invited) and any lingering, post-match Constitutional questions will be fielded by Christine O'Donnell.
More to come as FROBlog continues its....um...continuing coverage of Don't Ask Don't Tell Watch 2010!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Haikubicles
I sit now and stare
The grey walls surrounding me
No escape from here
Click Click Click Click Click
All I type is all I see
Digital landscape
In a box all day
Lunch is freedom none too soon
Fleeting food recess
The watch hand moves slow
Swaying fro like wind blown reeds
Reaching for the five
The grey walls surrounding me
No escape from here
Click Click Click Click Click
All I type is all I see
Digital landscape
In a box all day
Lunch is freedom none too soon
Fleeting food recess
The watch hand moves slow
Swaying fro like wind blown reeds
Reaching for the five
Monday, October 18, 2010
One Kiwi to Rule Them All
***WARNING: This post is gearing up to be extremely dorky. Prepare accordingly!***
In a move that caused Lord of the Rings fans everywhere to sound their horns of Gondor, it was announced on October 15, 2010 that Peter Jackson would be DIRECTING both upcoming Hobbit films in addition to his roles writing and producing! Guillermo del Toro was previously slated to direct the prequel before unexpected delays caused him to pull out of the project prematurely (that's what she said), though he will still be involved in the screenwriting (guess the burden was too much to bear, huh, Guillermo? C'mon, if Frodo can climb the jagged cliffs of Mount Doom with the One Ring 'round his neck, I'm pretty sure you can learn to multitask! But, hey, I ain't complainin'...).
This announcement comes amidst a great hub bub (alternatively, it could be a rukus, ado, or, perhaps, perturbation) involving various actors' unions advising their members not to partake in Jackson's films until fair working conditions are guaranteed for actors with minor roles. Jackson responded that he was not, in fact, anti-union, and then proceeded to call in a legion of his fighting Uruk-hai to viciously disembowel any remaining protesters. Again, LOTR fans cheered.
The Wife and I are avid LOTR fans. Ok, maybe "avid" doesn't quite cut it. We're straight up fiends. We LOVE us some Rings. We have seen the movies way too many times and can quote practically every line from "the world is changed" all the way to "I'm back." We randomly break out in Gollum voices while doing the dishes (that might be more "me" and not "we"...). We have matching "Team Samwise" tattoos (ok...maaaybe not). In fact, every year, we have a LOTR tradition that involves an entire day of....ok, you know what, I'll save that for another post. After all, wouldn't want to exhaust ALL my dorkdom in this post alone...
In a move that caused Lord of the Rings fans everywhere to sound their horns of Gondor, it was announced on October 15, 2010 that Peter Jackson would be DIRECTING both upcoming Hobbit films in addition to his roles writing and producing! Guillermo del Toro was previously slated to direct the prequel before unexpected delays caused him to pull out of the project prematurely (that's what she said), though he will still be involved in the screenwriting (guess the burden was too much to bear, huh, Guillermo? C'mon, if Frodo can climb the jagged cliffs of Mount Doom with the One Ring 'round his neck, I'm pretty sure you can learn to multitask! But, hey, I ain't complainin'...).
 |
| HAPPY PJ Photo by Natasha Baucas via Creative Commons |
The Wife and I are avid LOTR fans. Ok, maybe "avid" doesn't quite cut it. We're straight up fiends. We LOVE us some Rings. We have seen the movies way too many times and can quote practically every line from "the world is changed" all the way to "I'm back." We randomly break out in Gollum voices while doing the dishes (that might be more "me" and not "we"...). We have matching "Team Samwise" tattoos (ok...maaaybe not). In fact, every year, we have a LOTR tradition that involves an entire day of....ok, you know what, I'll save that for another post. After all, wouldn't want to exhaust ALL my dorkdom in this post alone...
Friday, October 15, 2010
GIANT OPRAH HEAD INVADES DAILY SHOW!!!
The rallies, the rallies! THEY ARE ONE!!! Introducing:
In a double surprise appearance on the Daily Show, the always-truthy Steven Colbert and the always-benevolent Oprah Winfrey helped announce the new joint rally with some green screen effects, comical banter, and **GASP!** a special gift from Her Winfreyness.
The RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY
AND/OR FEAR!!!
In a double surprise appearance on the Daily Show, the always-truthy Steven Colbert and the always-benevolent Oprah Winfrey helped announce the new joint rally with some green screen effects, comical banter, and **GASP!** a special gift from Her Winfreyness.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear Announcement | ||||
| ||||
You tell 'em, Arianna!
Arianna Huffington née HOLYCRAPTHATSALONGGREEKMAIDENNAME spoke out against Big Media today on her blog, Huffington Post, in response to various media outlets prohibiting their employees from attending Jon Stewart's upcoming Rally To Restore Sanity (and, assumedly, Steven Colbert's March de la Fear). Yes, that's right..."PROHIBITING." Generally, the mass media position is that the event will be perceived as "political" and, therefore, the media should not be involved as they might be construed as supporting the cause.
 | ||
| The Huffster Photo by Minesweeper via Creative Commons |
Did I miss the memo informing the mass media they should abstain from covering political events? Isn't that...like...uhh...WHAT the media does??? (like, totally, for real?) (totally.) I'm failing to see how an objective news agency (as so many claim to be) can't report, objectively, on an event such as this one, political or not.
I mean, the rally is...completely political. No bones about it. Yes, it's being put on by a comedic "fake news" entity. But the purpose of the whole thing is to inform our elected representatives of how the attendees feel about the current state of political craziness in this country and raise everyone's collective consciousness-- voters and Congresspeople alike--as to where this country should be going (according to Jon Stewart, that is).
Soooo...SHOULDN'T this event be getting media coverage?? Whatever the message that's being delivered, I'm pretty confident that it's newsworthy (as long as the definition of newsworthy is still "stuff people could possibly want to know about." I say this with full knowledge that this umbrella term includes stories like the cat who raised a squirrel as her own and the juicy details of Lindsay Lohan's repeated rehab failures. Side note: rehab is for quitters. ZING!).
If I'm missing something, here, please bring me up to speed. I emplore you.
Read the original article HERE.
REMAIN CALM!! ALL IS WELL!!
Worry not, those of you who were fretting uncontrollably because I removed my Busted Ts hoplink. As you can see, it's back **long, relieved exhale** (can't find it? Well, you just created a fun little game for yourself, didn't you? It's called "Find the Busted Ts hoplink" and you're the only player. First prize: 5 seconds of lost life. Start when ready.).
Why do I have a Busted Ts hoplink, you ask? Great question, Wolf. I have this little doohickey on my site in the hope that, in your infinite boredom or quest to spend hard-earned money on mildly amusing summer apparel, you click on it and buy something, ultimately earning me a piddling commission and, thus, enabling me to pay off my school loans before I'm able to cash in my 401k without penalty. So, please, feel free to order away. Or, better yet, forward my blog on to everyone you know so THEY will buy tons of witty t-shirts with such sayings as "Reunite Pangaea" or "Vandelay Industries." Because you NEED another witty t-shirt...
(Side note: upon completing the word "doohickey" I was fully prepared to see that little colorful line pop up underneath indicating a misspelling. But, nay, that is EXACTLY how "doohickey" is spelled, apparently. Who knew?!)
To be honest, I'm not even sure that clicking on the link results in ANYTHING for me whatsoever. I have a sneaking suspicion that Busted Ts is benefiting from my free advertising and laughing all the way to the bank. If I find out that Busted Ts has mysteriously broken into the Forbes 100, my suspicions will be confirmed and I will be expecting a thank you note and a free t-shirt saying "I helped Busted Ts get into the Forbes 100 and all I got was this lousy, witty t-shirt. Damn."
But, seriously, really like this one: http://www.bustedtees.com/playerhater
And this one: http://www.bustedtees.com/blowme
If I click on my own link, will I cause a rift in the space-time continuum? Like crossing proton pack streams, Ghostbuster-style?? I will be looking into this.
Why do I have a Busted Ts hoplink, you ask? Great question, Wolf. I have this little doohickey on my site in the hope that, in your infinite boredom or quest to spend hard-earned money on mildly amusing summer apparel, you click on it and buy something, ultimately earning me a piddling commission and, thus, enabling me to pay off my school loans before I'm able to cash in my 401k without penalty. So, please, feel free to order away. Or, better yet, forward my blog on to everyone you know so THEY will buy tons of witty t-shirts with such sayings as "Reunite Pangaea" or "Vandelay Industries." Because you NEED another witty t-shirt...
(Side note: upon completing the word "doohickey" I was fully prepared to see that little colorful line pop up underneath indicating a misspelling. But, nay, that is EXACTLY how "doohickey" is spelled, apparently. Who knew?!)
To be honest, I'm not even sure that clicking on the link results in ANYTHING for me whatsoever. I have a sneaking suspicion that Busted Ts is benefiting from my free advertising and laughing all the way to the bank. If I find out that Busted Ts has mysteriously broken into the Forbes 100, my suspicions will be confirmed and I will be expecting a thank you note and a free t-shirt saying "I helped Busted Ts get into the Forbes 100 and all I got was this lousy, witty t-shirt. Damn."
But, seriously, really like this one: http://www.bustedtees.com/playerhater
And this one: http://www.bustedtees.com/blowme
If I click on my own link, will I cause a rift in the space-time continuum? Like crossing proton pack streams, Ghostbuster-style?? I will be looking into this.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Snookie on South Park, Gollum up in arms
The Jersey Shore's resident oompaloompa princess, Snookie, was on South Park last night in a move that elicited an angry response from the Gollum camp.
"We do NOT approve of this farce," said the once-hobbit's PR rep. "While there are many similarities between Mr. Sméagol and Ms. Polizzi--including their shared penchant for jewelry and that they have both been punched in the face--there was no reason to portray Ms. Polizzi in this manner. Frankly, it's insulting. Mr. Sméagol has too much respect for his image."
The Snookie people did not issue a response. But they did go tanning.
"We do NOT approve of this farce," said the once-hobbit's PR rep. "While there are many similarities between Mr. Sméagol and Ms. Polizzi--including their shared penchant for jewelry and that they have both been punched in the face--there was no reason to portray Ms. Polizzi in this manner. Frankly, it's insulting. Mr. Sméagol has too much respect for his image."
The Snookie people did not issue a response. But they did go tanning.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The New Mile High Club
I can't decide whether these are the coolest flight experiences EVER or absolutely frightening. I'm leaning toward the latter. Even while my head is bobbing along like Night at the Roxbury.
YOU be the judge.
YOU be the judge.
WELCOME BACK, MINERS!!!
FROBlog extends its most heartfelt congratulations and prayers to the miners (both those already above ground and still being rescued), their families, and the rescue teams involved in bringing these brave men back! What an amazing job being done! The miners' resolve in making it through these past 2+ months is inspiring and the widespread support from people around the world serves as reminder that we really do live as a global community.
MAZEL TOV, Gentlemen! Welcome back.
MAZEL TOV, Gentlemen! Welcome back.
Metro Policeman Finally Gets His 15 Minutes
Long and short: Cop tells (drunk?) girl to leave metro station, then subsequently tackles her as she's on her way out. All caught on tape.
Would LOVE to be in the courtroom when she presents the footage to the judge.
(WARNING: this video contains graphic footage of police brutality and a booty shot)
Abuse of power/unnecessary brutality or proper police action?
OR just a cop coppin' a feel?
COMMENTS?? Let's hear 'em!!
Would LOVE to be in the courtroom when she presents the footage to the judge.
(WARNING: this video contains graphic footage of police brutality and a booty shot)
Abuse of power/unnecessary brutality or proper police action?
OR just a cop coppin' a feel?
COMMENTS?? Let's hear 'em!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
GOOGLICIOUS!!!
Seriously...google "Froblog." It's all over the place.
Thanks for reading, everyone :)
PS - I'm officially challenging Fro's Blog and The Fro Fro Blog to an e-duel. Imitators will not be tolerated!! (even though they miiiight have been here first...). No one Fros it up like FROBlog...NO ONE!!!
PPS - And, no, GOOGLE, I do NOT mean "frogblog." What kind of moron would search for a frog blog??
PPPS - I apologize to frog lovers and 7th grade biology students everywhere for that last comment.
Thanks for reading, everyone :)
PS - I'm officially challenging Fro's Blog and The Fro Fro Blog to an e-duel. Imitators will not be tolerated!! (even though they miiiight have been here first...). No one Fros it up like FROBlog...NO ONE!!!
PPS - And, no, GOOGLE, I do NOT mean "frogblog." What kind of moron would search for a frog blog??
PPPS - I apologize to frog lovers and 7th grade biology students everywhere for that last comment.
We the People **HICCUP**
The Constitution of the United States of America guarantees its citizens certain rights. I won't go into them--that's what Wikipedia's for. But it does so state, in its preamble, that one of its purposes is to promote the general welfare of this fine nation. If this notion was on the forefront of the framers' minds when drafting the document, it surely has fallen to the wayside as of late. This is best evidenced by the price of stadium beer during sports events.
I can only speak from personal experience. And...the echoed experiences of EVERYONE I've ever talked to about this sad, sad subject. The state of affairs of sports event alcohol distribution is in the pooper and has been so for some time now. This past Sunday, I attended a Redskins game at the awesomely huge FedEx Field (don't get me started about stadiums named after companies...that's a WHOLE 'NOTHER RANT...). It was sometime during the first...ummm...I dunno, four seconds of gameplay when I felt an oh-so-familiar urge deep inside my liver. "FEED ME" it whispered in a Field of Dreams-like manner. "FEED ME CRAPPY STADIUM SWILL."
Not one to ignore the basest desires of my own body, I immediately began scanning the stands for that glorious champion of game-going suds-guzzlers, that herculean hero of particularly parched football fanatics, that magical muse of dangerously dehydrated drunken debaucherers. You know him as "Beer Man." As if he heard my cry from the depths of his refrigerated lair, Beer Man soon appeared at the bottom of our section and began his triumphant climb upwards. My heart was aflutter. My liver, aquiver. The time for libations was nigh, and I was ready to...um...libate. (that's what she said?)
But as Beer Man neared, my eyes focused in on the white lettering adorning his oversized, waterdroplet-lined beer bucket.
$8! Per Miller?! Are you fo'surious??!!
Now, this was not the first time I had bought beer at FedEx. Nor was it the first time I was poised to buy overpriced stadium brew in general. But for some reason, I convinced myself prior to the game that the beer at FedEx cost $7. Seeing that it was, in fact, MORE (albeit a dollar) than the already-overpriced number I had in mind brought back all the feelings of confusion, frustration, and incredulity that I experienced upon learning of these ridiculous prices for the first time. And it angered me. So much so that I had to buy an $8 beer to calm myself down.
This isn't just a case of unfortunate corporate greed or capitalizing on an unbalanced supply and demand scenario. This is, without a doubt, a direct violation of our Constitutional rights! Having beer at a sports event is not a privilege to be earned, it's a necessity of life like air, food, and Entourage On Demand. Studies* have shown that we are BIOLOGICALLY DESIGNED to require beer at sporting events...it's just a fact of life.** And the exorbitantly high prices of beer/wine/spirits at sporting events denies the average citizen the ability to purchase their desired amount of alcohol while remaining financially responsible (Side note: anyone who orders wine at a football game deserves to pay up the wazoo. C'mon...seriously...WINE? Your mother is not proud.).
The inability to purchase appropriately-priced beer at professional football games is detrimental to our nation's general welfare. Period. Think of the repercussions were this practice to continue: fans too sober to sit through 60 minutes of football would abandon going to the actual game in favor of tailgating in the parking lot. Ticket sales would lag resulting in lower player salaries. The players would have less incentive to play their best and, thus, the game would become less-appealing, causing people to stop watching from their living rooms. Sponsors would pull their ads, slowing commercial sales and leading to price inflation for regular consumer goods, ultimately triggering a massive recession that would put our current recession to shame. A befuddled Congress would be completely occupied with figuring out how to save our utterly crippled economy, ignoring matters of homeland security and leaving our glorious nation susceptible to terrorist attacks that, god forbid, will be the source of unspeakable horrors and the end of America's reign as most powerful country in the world.
Is this what we want???? Is this the predicament in which we want to end up???? Because that's where we're going, people. You heard it here first--OVERPRICED STADIUM BEER WILL LEAD TO THE DOWNFALL OF OUR NATION, plain and simple. We must not let this aggression stand! Our Constitutional rights are at stake and it is our duty as Americans to question our government and stand up for what is just and in support of our general welfare. We must band together and launch outspoken campaigns against this continued treachery. We must show our elected representatives that it is time for a change, and that change is cheaper crappy stadium beer, the likes of which we would sooner use to cater a dingy college basement party (lord I miss those...). Change is on the horizon and happen it must!
If not us, who? If not now, when? It's your duty. As an American.
*All studies referenced in this article were performed by me and are not actually...real.
**Nope, not true.
I can only speak from personal experience. And...the echoed experiences of EVERYONE I've ever talked to about this sad, sad subject. The state of affairs of sports event alcohol distribution is in the pooper and has been so for some time now. This past Sunday, I attended a Redskins game at the awesomely huge FedEx Field (don't get me started about stadiums named after companies...that's a WHOLE 'NOTHER RANT...). It was sometime during the first...ummm...I dunno, four seconds of gameplay when I felt an oh-so-familiar urge deep inside my liver. "FEED ME" it whispered in a Field of Dreams-like manner. "FEED ME CRAPPY STADIUM SWILL."
Not one to ignore the basest desires of my own body, I immediately began scanning the stands for that glorious champion of game-going suds-guzzlers, that herculean hero of particularly parched football fanatics, that magical muse of dangerously dehydrated drunken debaucherers. You know him as "Beer Man." As if he heard my cry from the depths of his refrigerated lair, Beer Man soon appeared at the bottom of our section and began his triumphant climb upwards. My heart was aflutter. My liver, aquiver. The time for libations was nigh, and I was ready to...um...libate. (that's what she said?)
But as Beer Man neared, my eyes focused in on the white lettering adorning his oversized, waterdroplet-lined beer bucket.
$8! Per Miller?! Are you fo'surious??!!
Now, this was not the first time I had bought beer at FedEx. Nor was it the first time I was poised to buy overpriced stadium brew in general. But for some reason, I convinced myself prior to the game that the beer at FedEx cost $7. Seeing that it was, in fact, MORE (albeit a dollar) than the already-overpriced number I had in mind brought back all the feelings of confusion, frustration, and incredulity that I experienced upon learning of these ridiculous prices for the first time. And it angered me. So much so that I had to buy an $8 beer to calm myself down.
This isn't just a case of unfortunate corporate greed or capitalizing on an unbalanced supply and demand scenario. This is, without a doubt, a direct violation of our Constitutional rights! Having beer at a sports event is not a privilege to be earned, it's a necessity of life like air, food, and Entourage On Demand. Studies* have shown that we are BIOLOGICALLY DESIGNED to require beer at sporting events...it's just a fact of life.** And the exorbitantly high prices of beer/wine/spirits at sporting events denies the average citizen the ability to purchase their desired amount of alcohol while remaining financially responsible (Side note: anyone who orders wine at a football game deserves to pay up the wazoo. C'mon...seriously...WINE? Your mother is not proud.).
The inability to purchase appropriately-priced beer at professional football games is detrimental to our nation's general welfare. Period. Think of the repercussions were this practice to continue: fans too sober to sit through 60 minutes of football would abandon going to the actual game in favor of tailgating in the parking lot. Ticket sales would lag resulting in lower player salaries. The players would have less incentive to play their best and, thus, the game would become less-appealing, causing people to stop watching from their living rooms. Sponsors would pull their ads, slowing commercial sales and leading to price inflation for regular consumer goods, ultimately triggering a massive recession that would put our current recession to shame. A befuddled Congress would be completely occupied with figuring out how to save our utterly crippled economy, ignoring matters of homeland security and leaving our glorious nation susceptible to terrorist attacks that, god forbid, will be the source of unspeakable horrors and the end of America's reign as most powerful country in the world.
Is this what we want???? Is this the predicament in which we want to end up???? Because that's where we're going, people. You heard it here first--OVERPRICED STADIUM BEER WILL LEAD TO THE DOWNFALL OF OUR NATION, plain and simple. We must not let this aggression stand! Our Constitutional rights are at stake and it is our duty as Americans to question our government and stand up for what is just and in support of our general welfare. We must band together and launch outspoken campaigns against this continued treachery. We must show our elected representatives that it is time for a change, and that change is cheaper crappy stadium beer, the likes of which we would sooner use to cater a dingy college basement party (lord I miss those...). Change is on the horizon and happen it must!
If not us, who? If not now, when? It's your duty. As an American.
*All studies referenced in this article were performed by me and are not actually...real.
**Nope, not true.
Monday, October 11, 2010
One reason to get a pedicure
My feet are good for getting me from place to place and wearing through socks. This guy used his to win China's Got Talent. My hat is off to you, sir.
Performance at 2:20.
Performance at 2:20.
Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!!! -- The "I Love This Game" Edition
WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Is there really anything better than a close, neck-and-neck game that ends with your team winning? (I ask this knowing that most Redskins fans would probably answer, "YES, you moron. Winning in any manner whatsoever. Did you WATCH any of last season???") But **ahem** past records aside, today's game against Green Bay was a nail-bitin' edge-of-your-seater that ended in...a SKINS VICTORY! Who saw that one coming? Surely not I.
We were definitely slated to lose this one...and I didn't have to consult the top minds at ESPN to come to that conclusion. The Packers came into the game with a 3-1 regular season record (11-5 in 2009) while the Skins were barely holding onto 2-2 (especially after that ridiculous loss to the Rams. Didn't the Lions just CRUSH them today? THE LIONS???!! Sigh...). The Skins were underdoggin' with the best of 'em (that's what she said?) and, frankly, we were prepared for the worst (aka "the usual"): promising first half followed by a series of botched plays and a Swiss cheese defense ultimately resulting in a disappointing loss that SHOULD have been a win.
But, NAY! On this fine Sunday, the Hogs came to win. It was, admittedly, not high scoring game. Not many monster plays. But there were a handful of good ones, a few nice hits of the crunching variety, and was generally fun to watch. LaRon "Biceps" Landry's coverage was spotty at times, but he made up for it with an interception that led to the game winning field goal. Nabby...well...not a great show, my man, but you pulled through. Too many overthrows, too many shoestrings. You started off the season strong, let's keep it going. We know you can throw (357 yds this game), we know you can run. Don't play like you're still an Iggle...have some respect for yourself, man! And, finally, to my new potentially-favorite player, Torain, "keep on keepin' on." Didn't rack up the numbers yesterday quite like you did against Philly...'course, that didn't take too much effort, now did it? :)
Beautiful weather. Close game all the way through. The underdogs came up from the depths to snag another unexpected "W" in overtime.
I LOVE THIS GAME.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Is there really anything better than a close, neck-and-neck game that ends with your team winning? (I ask this knowing that most Redskins fans would probably answer, "YES, you moron. Winning in any manner whatsoever. Did you WATCH any of last season???") But **ahem** past records aside, today's game against Green Bay was a nail-bitin' edge-of-your-seater that ended in...a SKINS VICTORY! Who saw that one coming? Surely not I.
We were definitely slated to lose this one...and I didn't have to consult the top minds at ESPN to come to that conclusion. The Packers came into the game with a 3-1 regular season record (11-5 in 2009) while the Skins were barely holding onto 2-2 (especially after that ridiculous loss to the Rams. Didn't the Lions just CRUSH them today? THE LIONS???!! Sigh...). The Skins were underdoggin' with the best of 'em (that's what she said?) and, frankly, we were prepared for the worst (aka "the usual"): promising first half followed by a series of botched plays and a Swiss cheese defense ultimately resulting in a disappointing loss that SHOULD have been a win.
But, NAY! On this fine Sunday, the Hogs came to win. It was, admittedly, not high scoring game. Not many monster plays. But there were a handful of good ones, a few nice hits of the crunching variety, and was generally fun to watch. LaRon "Biceps" Landry's coverage was spotty at times, but he made up for it with an interception that led to the game winning field goal. Nabby...well...not a great show, my man, but you pulled through. Too many overthrows, too many shoestrings. You started off the season strong, let's keep it going. We know you can throw (357 yds this game), we know you can run. Don't play like you're still an Iggle...have some respect for yourself, man! And, finally, to my new potentially-favorite player, Torain, "keep on keepin' on." Didn't rack up the numbers yesterday quite like you did against Philly...'course, that didn't take too much effort, now did it? :)
Beautiful weather. Close game all the way through. The underdogs came up from the depths to snag another unexpected "W" in overtime.
I LOVE THIS GAME.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Apply Within!!
Man oh man!! **big stretch** There is nothin' like spending a day applying for jobs!!
You know when you wake up in the morning and know that you're gearing up for just a gosh darn great day? The sun is shining, the air is clear, the bluebird of happiness is chirping "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" on your windowsill. You know you're going to work...but you hesitate to call it "work" because, as they say, "if you love what you're doing, it aint' work!" Sound familiar?
Well, that's pretty much the feeling I wake up with every morning these days. Except, instead of knowing I'm going to work, I know that I'm going to spend the whole day searching for JOBS!! And not just today, but EVERYDAY! Joy of joys!!!
Don't be jealous, now. You, too, can live this dream existence. But you can't just jump into my shoes...it takes a little work. First and foremost, you need to go to law school for three years with the preconceived notion that, upon graduating, you'll be much more marketable than 90% of the rubes rummaging around out there with worthless undergraduate degrees and **snicker snicker** MBAs. Then, after graduating, you need to spend the entire summer studying for a two-day long hypo-gauntlet called the Bar Exam, the results for which you won't receive until many months later, though, anachronistically, they will be required by many of the employers you attempt to contact in the meantime. And...well...that's pretty much it. Follow those two steps and you can begin your uberfulfilling full-time career of applying to positions that you either aren't particularly interested in or, for which, aren't directly qualified! It's that simple!
"But JFro," you may be asking yourself, "What if I actually get HIRED? Then I won't be able to search for jobs anymore!" Worry not, my loan-burdened friend. In this economy, with record-setting amounts of law school grads being cranked out every year like little analytical sausages, you can sleep soundly knowing your eagerly-sought career in job-hunting is truly secure.
So, if you are an ambitious self-starter with no immediate prospects and enough debt to warrant a bail-out, consider a career in job-hunting. It's not only emotionally rewarding, but comes with perks such as the freedom to work from home, choose your own hours...and best of all, EVERYDAY is Casual Friday!!
Get started TODAY! Or not!
You know when you wake up in the morning and know that you're gearing up for just a gosh darn great day? The sun is shining, the air is clear, the bluebird of happiness is chirping "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" on your windowsill. You know you're going to work...but you hesitate to call it "work" because, as they say, "if you love what you're doing, it aint' work!" Sound familiar?
Well, that's pretty much the feeling I wake up with every morning these days. Except, instead of knowing I'm going to work, I know that I'm going to spend the whole day searching for JOBS!! And not just today, but EVERYDAY! Joy of joys!!!
Don't be jealous, now. You, too, can live this dream existence. But you can't just jump into my shoes...it takes a little work. First and foremost, you need to go to law school for three years with the preconceived notion that, upon graduating, you'll be much more marketable than 90% of the rubes rummaging around out there with worthless undergraduate degrees and **snicker snicker** MBAs. Then, after graduating, you need to spend the entire summer studying for a two-day long hypo-gauntlet called the Bar Exam, the results for which you won't receive until many months later, though, anachronistically, they will be required by many of the employers you attempt to contact in the meantime. And...well...that's pretty much it. Follow those two steps and you can begin your uberfulfilling full-time career of applying to positions that you either aren't particularly interested in or, for which, aren't directly qualified! It's that simple!
"But JFro," you may be asking yourself, "What if I actually get HIRED? Then I won't be able to search for jobs anymore!" Worry not, my loan-burdened friend. In this economy, with record-setting amounts of law school grads being cranked out every year like little analytical sausages, you can sleep soundly knowing your eagerly-sought career in job-hunting is truly secure.
So, if you are an ambitious self-starter with no immediate prospects and enough debt to warrant a bail-out, consider a career in job-hunting. It's not only emotionally rewarding, but comes with perks such as the freedom to work from home, choose your own hours...and best of all, EVERYDAY is Casual Friday!!
Get started TODAY! Or not!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I HEART TECHNOLOGY
In one big technological step closer to creating such innovations as the rehydration machine Mrs. McFly used to juice up a pizza in Back to the Future 2, PayPal is now offering iPhone users an amazing new way to deposit checks. Prepare thyself for awesomeness. You download their app, take a PICTURE of the front and back of the check, and then *BAZOW!* money appears in your account (a few days later). It's like magic. Future magic.
http://lifehacker.com/5656848/paypal-for-iphone-deposits-checks-via-camera
Btw, if you see Biff, do NOT give him the almanac...
http://lifehacker.com/5656848/paypal-for-iphone-deposits-checks-via-camera
Btw, if you see Biff, do NOT give him the almanac...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Levi Johnston: Baby Daddy, Playgirl Model...uhh...MAYORAL CANDIDATE???
The universe, as we have been led to understand it, is basically a collection of planets, stars, galaxies, gas, dust, and anything else that falls into the rather broad category of "any and all matter and energy." And Gary Busey. How do all things in this vast universe coexist without constantly banging into each other, blowing up, or getting sucked into black holes? Well, the answer I'm prepared to give you, being neither a physicist, cosmologist, or any other kind of scientist equipped to deal with space-time, is that there is an order to most things. The component parts of our solar system work pretty well together; the earth orbits the sun, the sun heats the earth, badabing badaboom...LIFE! Trees give off oxygen, humans give off carbon dioxide, each lives because of the other. Animals poop, the poo fertilizes the soil, things grow from the soil on which the animals feed resulting, naturally, in more poo. Rinse and repeat. (this scenario, however, does NOT excuse my ferrets from showcasing their excretory abilities on my carpet night after night. Thank you for that one, Universe.)
Even non-natural processes follow natural progressions. No company starts off in the Forbes 100; you start small, gain capital, employees, and revenue, and work your way up to stand tall with the big boys. No building goes from an architectural blueprint to a complete structure...that would be one magical erection. Nor does a business transaction go from idea to handshake. You get my point; there is an order to things, a way things should be done. Sometimes, however, something happens that makes one question the natural order of things. Something happens that makes one question LIFE as we know it.
That thing, my dear readers, happened about two months ago when Levi "Overachiever" Johnston announced his candidacy for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Just to make sure we're all on the same page, Levi Johnston is the double ex-fiance of Bristol Palin (yup, you heard that right), father to their lovechild, bane of Sarah Palin's existence (which ALMOST gives him a few points), avid hunter, aspiring actor, and Playgirl model. So, you know, the typical resume for the average mayoral candidate.
His education, you ask? S'all good. He clocked a few years of high school. Just enough to qualify him for mayor, not enough to be...you know...annoying.
Previous political experience? Hmm...that's a little tougher...I mean, he DID have a child out of wedlock and loves guns, does that qualify him? No? Not to worry! Like any other political leader, LJ is undoubtedly poised to surround himself with the best and brightest minds of our time. Potential candidates may include such qualified individuals as Paris Hilton for campaign manager, Spencer Pratt for head speech writer, and of course, Levi's twice almost-mother-in-law Sarah Palin for the newly-created position of Chief Mama Grizzly (responsibilities include raising funds, garnering public support, and organizing weekly moose hunts. And getting booed at Dancing With The Stars--OH NO YOU DIH-UNT!!!).
Not sure how you'll keep up with all the enthralling election excitement? Don't worry about missing the fun; the whole ridiculosity will be documented in Levi's upcoming reality series, Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor's Office. Yup...that's right...watch out, I <3 NY reruns, there's a NEW contender in town!
What this all comes down to is...
HOW ON GOD'S SWEET GREEN EARTH DOES LEVI JOHNSTON THINK HE'S QUALIFIED TO RUN FOR MAYOR OF ANYTHING MORE THAN HIS SPORT ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE POSTER-RIDDEN BEDROOM??????? THIS GOES DIRECTLY AGAINST THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS!!! You don't 1) drop out of high school, 2) become a public figure by getting your famous not-wife pregnant, 3) pose for the most popular nudie rag in the world, and THEN RUN FOR MAYOR!!! That's just...just...INSANE!!
I can understand that some people take longer to mature than others (I, myself, fall into this category, as evidenced by the fact that I am 29 years old and, at this exact moment, am laughing at the fact that one of my ferrets just farted while pooping. On my carpet, mind you.). Youthful indiscretions can be excused through the passage of time. But, the line's gotta be drawn somewhere. It's not like the good Sir Johnston built his impressive resume when he was a kid and we can chalk it up to the fumblings of inexperience...IT. WAS. LAST. YEAR.
Levi, I wish you the best of luck. Not just because you'll need a ridonkulous amount of it. But because you've got the cojones to jump into the abyss, knowing full well the futility of it all. So what if you're completely, utterly, painfully unqualified? So what if your inane aspirations are disrupting the space-time continuum, potentially throwing off the rotation of the planet and sending our futures spiraling into uncertainty? Don't let those nay-sayers deter you...you follow your dream, big boy. I leave you with these sage words of advice, uttered by Larry The Cable Guy--who, considering his parallel qualifications, you might want to think about taking on as your press secretary: Git-R-Done!
Even non-natural processes follow natural progressions. No company starts off in the Forbes 100; you start small, gain capital, employees, and revenue, and work your way up to stand tall with the big boys. No building goes from an architectural blueprint to a complete structure...that would be one magical erection. Nor does a business transaction go from idea to handshake. You get my point; there is an order to things, a way things should be done. Sometimes, however, something happens that makes one question the natural order of things. Something happens that makes one question LIFE as we know it.
 | ||
| LJ...posing hard Photo by Carol Highsmith [public domain], from Wikimedia Commons |
His education, you ask? S'all good. He clocked a few years of high school. Just enough to qualify him for mayor, not enough to be...you know...annoying.
Previous political experience? Hmm...that's a little tougher...I mean, he DID have a child out of wedlock and loves guns, does that qualify him? No? Not to worry! Like any other political leader, LJ is undoubtedly poised to surround himself with the best and brightest minds of our time. Potential candidates may include such qualified individuals as Paris Hilton for campaign manager, Spencer Pratt for head speech writer, and of course, Levi's twice almost-mother-in-law Sarah Palin for the newly-created position of Chief Mama Grizzly (responsibilities include raising funds, garnering public support, and organizing weekly moose hunts. And getting booed at Dancing With The Stars--OH NO YOU DIH-UNT!!!).
Not sure how you'll keep up with all the enthralling election excitement? Don't worry about missing the fun; the whole ridiculosity will be documented in Levi's upcoming reality series, Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor's Office. Yup...that's right...watch out, I <3 NY reruns, there's a NEW contender in town!
What this all comes down to is...
HOW ON GOD'S SWEET GREEN EARTH DOES LEVI JOHNSTON THINK HE'S QUALIFIED TO RUN FOR MAYOR OF ANYTHING MORE THAN HIS SPORT ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE POSTER-RIDDEN BEDROOM??????? THIS GOES DIRECTLY AGAINST THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS!!! You don't 1) drop out of high school, 2) become a public figure by getting your famous not-wife pregnant, 3) pose for the most popular nudie rag in the world, and THEN RUN FOR MAYOR!!! That's just...just...INSANE!!
I can understand that some people take longer to mature than others (I, myself, fall into this category, as evidenced by the fact that I am 29 years old and, at this exact moment, am laughing at the fact that one of my ferrets just farted while pooping. On my carpet, mind you.). Youthful indiscretions can be excused through the passage of time. But, the line's gotta be drawn somewhere. It's not like the good Sir Johnston built his impressive resume when he was a kid and we can chalk it up to the fumblings of inexperience...IT. WAS. LAST. YEAR.
Levi, I wish you the best of luck. Not just because you'll need a ridonkulous amount of it. But because you've got the cojones to jump into the abyss, knowing full well the futility of it all. So what if you're completely, utterly, painfully unqualified? So what if your inane aspirations are disrupting the space-time continuum, potentially throwing off the rotation of the planet and sending our futures spiraling into uncertainty? Don't let those nay-sayers deter you...you follow your dream, big boy. I leave you with these sage words of advice, uttered by Larry The Cable Guy--who, considering his parallel qualifications, you might want to think about taking on as your press secretary: Git-R-Done!
Rally To Restore Sanity FAQs
Ye who have questions, come hither for answers! The rally is drawing near and the good folks behind the RTRS have released a FAQs page that addresses all your rally-related queries. Pay special attention to the list of things that you are NOT permitted to bring to the event (sorry, kids, no explosive devices this time).
RTRS FAQs Page
Be safe. Be sane. (their quote, not mine. My choice would be "Rally Out With Your Shwally Out.")
RTRS FAQs Page
Be safe. Be sane. (their quote, not mine. My choice would be "Rally Out With Your Shwally Out.")
Saturday, October 2, 2010
FROBlog HITS 1000!!!
Ladies and gents, I can't believe it. I don't know how we did it, but somehow FROBlog just surpassed the one-thousand hit mark! (according to my handy dandy little hit counter at the bottom of the page...you see it, right?...there it is....above the ridiculously long privacy statement?....)
Yes, what started out as an anti-blog blog, created solely to provide unrequested--and potentially unwanted--honeymoon updates to family and friends, has megamorphed into an viral Internet phenomenon of unparalleled proportions!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Ok...so....that may be a bit of an overstatement...especially considering my little hit counter also registers as "hits" the times that I visit the blog...which probably accounts for no less than one third of all hits received....
THAT SAID, a big thanks to all you fine readers out there! I truly appreciate your frequenting FROBlog and hope you keep coming back so I can rack up another thousand hits and take FROBlog deeper into the vast abyss that is cyberspace. Please feel free to share FROBlog with your friends (or enemies, depending on how you feel about my writing style) and if you have any suggestions or topics on which you'd like to see me post, send 'em my way. I figure, if enough people start readin' this thing, I can quit my job search and focus 100% of my time on writing these quasi-relevant, mildy humorous, regularly bizarre posts for your viewing pleasure! Take THAT, Juris Doctor...JUDO CHOP!!
Thanks everyone...keep on a-clickin'!
Anti-bloggingly yours,
JFro
Yes, what started out as an anti-blog blog, created solely to provide unrequested--and potentially unwanted--honeymoon updates to family and friends, has megamorphed into an viral Internet phenomenon of unparalleled proportions!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Ok...so....that may be a bit of an overstatement...especially considering my little hit counter also registers as "hits" the times that I visit the blog...which probably accounts for no less than one third of all hits received....
THAT SAID, a big thanks to all you fine readers out there! I truly appreciate your frequenting FROBlog and hope you keep coming back so I can rack up another thousand hits and take FROBlog deeper into the vast abyss that is cyberspace. Please feel free to share FROBlog with your friends (or enemies, depending on how you feel about my writing style) and if you have any suggestions or topics on which you'd like to see me post, send 'em my way. I figure, if enough people start readin' this thing, I can quit my job search and focus 100% of my time on writing these quasi-relevant, mildy humorous, regularly bizarre posts for your viewing pleasure! Take THAT, Juris Doctor...JUDO CHOP!!
Thanks everyone...keep on a-clickin'!
Anti-bloggingly yours,
JFro
Obama endorses Rally To Restore Sanity!...or, um, something that sounds like that...
Hell, if the PRESIDENT endorses it....
The Obamalama himself plugged Jon Stewart's rally at a recent meeting with some youngins. Well, he KINDA said something that sounded like "Rally to Restore Sanity." But, I dig where you're coming from, Mr. President. You support the rally, but you don't want to seem TOO supportive. You want people to think that you know about it, but not so much about it that it mars your desired image of political neutrality. That's right, I got ya numbah, Mr. President. So, you'll be there? C'mon, Good Sir "In-Chief," do it for the kids!
FOLLOW FROBLOG TODAY!!!
The Obamalama himself plugged Jon Stewart's rally at a recent meeting with some youngins. Well, he KINDA said something that sounded like "Rally to Restore Sanity." But, I dig where you're coming from, Mr. President. You support the rally, but you don't want to seem TOO supportive. You want people to think that you know about it, but not so much about it that it mars your desired image of political neutrality. That's right, I got ya numbah, Mr. President. So, you'll be there? C'mon, Good Sir "In-Chief," do it for the kids!
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| BBQ & A | ||||
| ||||
FOLLOW FROBLOG TODAY!!!
Friday, October 1, 2010
John Roberts, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED...
There's a certain news anchor out there who just lights up our lives.
She's got everything one could want in a woman: style...class...Nepalese heritage. Her name means "ray of light" in Sanskrit, for garsh sakes. Her luminous smile is matched only by her perfectly done "do," framing her face like a....like a.....a really nice picture frame frames a picture. Of a face.
The woman I speak of, of course, is the one-and-only, Kiran Chetry.
And while she DOES hail from Fox and Friends, we're willing to overlook that little blip in her record because she partakes in activities like dressing up as Lara Croft for Halloween and riding a pogo stick in high heels (fer reals, y'all...that is not just a personal fantasy. Well, ok, to clarify, it IS a personal fantasy. But it also happened. Fer reals.).
This news-delivering angel from heaven deserves our admiration and respect. And I will NOT stand idly by while some wacky tie-wearing, poorly-coiffed pseudo-pundit disrespects her on live television! Yes, that's right, I'm talking about YOU, John Roberts of CNN's popular morning news program American Morning. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, please watch the following clip (and try your best not to backslap your computer screen at about 0:39 seconds in...**lip-curled snarl**):
**GASP!** Sir, I bite my thumb at thee! How darest thou? HOW DAREST?! I don't care if Kiran was performing twisting backflips in the nude with a flaming baton in her mouth...handle it OFF THE AIR, ROBERTS. You're a professional, damn it. You don't hear Kiran making mid-segment, on-the-air comments to you about your baffling shirt/tie pattern combination choices, do you? (on that note, the last time I stared at you for longer than 5 seconds, a 3D sailboat popped out from your chest).
John Roberts, while I was, admittedly, not a huge fan of yours before now, this incident has truly marred our viewer-anchor relationship, taking it past the point of possible restoration. I can't even look at you without seeing the visage of Kiran's scared, wide-eyed expression ...like a kitten...a poor defenseless kitten...who was just trying to lap up some spilled milk in a back alley next to a fine Italian restaurant when a fierce-looking chef, moustachioed like Snidely Whiplash, bursts out the backdoor and yells at it to 'scram!!' (I don't speak Italian, but I do believe "scram" loosely translates to "time for kitten kabobs!").
Maybe you had a poor night's sleep. Maybe your Labor Day vacation was rudely interrupted by an ill-timed phone call from the "I Love Stiff On-Air Banter" fan club. Maybe you're sick and tired of picking out pillow shams and other registry items with fiancee and fellow-CNN anchor Kyra Phillips (ok, THAT I can understand...in fact, if you ever just want to let off some steam, I'm here for you, bruh). But, c'mon, who do you think you are...Christian Bale? And, no, you may not draw comparisons from the fact that you both speak in different accents, on camera, from your native tongues, Mr. Once-Canadian. Until you don a Batman cowl and attempt to save the world from the forces of evil, you may NOT draw attention to our beloved Ms. Chetry's distracting behavior until the next commercial break.
Poor taste, sir. Poor taste. **giving a thumbs down**
She's got everything one could want in a woman: style...class...Nepalese heritage. Her name means "ray of light" in Sanskrit, for garsh sakes. Her luminous smile is matched only by her perfectly done "do," framing her face like a....like a.....a really nice picture frame frames a picture. Of a face.
 | ||||
| Kiran "News with a sparkle" Chetry Photo by mroach via Creative Commons |
And while she DOES hail from Fox and Friends, we're willing to overlook that little blip in her record because she partakes in activities like dressing up as Lara Croft for Halloween and riding a pogo stick in high heels (fer reals, y'all...that is not just a personal fantasy. Well, ok, to clarify, it IS a personal fantasy. But it also happened. Fer reals.).
This news-delivering angel from heaven deserves our admiration and respect. And I will NOT stand idly by while some wacky tie-wearing, poorly-coiffed pseudo-pundit disrespects her on live television! Yes, that's right, I'm talking about YOU, John Roberts of CNN's popular morning news program American Morning. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, please watch the following clip (and try your best not to backslap your computer screen at about 0:39 seconds in...**lip-curled snarl**):
**GASP!** Sir, I bite my thumb at thee! How darest thou? HOW DAREST?! I don't care if Kiran was performing twisting backflips in the nude with a flaming baton in her mouth...handle it OFF THE AIR, ROBERTS. You're a professional, damn it. You don't hear Kiran making mid-segment, on-the-air comments to you about your baffling shirt/tie pattern combination choices, do you? (on that note, the last time I stared at you for longer than 5 seconds, a 3D sailboat popped out from your chest).
John Roberts, while I was, admittedly, not a huge fan of yours before now, this incident has truly marred our viewer-anchor relationship, taking it past the point of possible restoration. I can't even look at you without seeing the visage of Kiran's scared, wide-eyed expression ...like a kitten...a poor defenseless kitten...who was just trying to lap up some spilled milk in a back alley next to a fine Italian restaurant when a fierce-looking chef, moustachioed like Snidely Whiplash, bursts out the backdoor and yells at it to 'scram!!' (I don't speak Italian, but I do believe "scram" loosely translates to "time for kitten kabobs!").
Maybe you had a poor night's sleep. Maybe your Labor Day vacation was rudely interrupted by an ill-timed phone call from the "I Love Stiff On-Air Banter" fan club. Maybe you're sick and tired of picking out pillow shams and other registry items with fiancee and fellow-CNN anchor Kyra Phillips (ok, THAT I can understand...in fact, if you ever just want to let off some steam, I'm here for you, bruh). But, c'mon, who do you think you are...Christian Bale? And, no, you may not draw comparisons from the fact that you both speak in different accents, on camera, from your native tongues, Mr. Once-Canadian. Until you don a Batman cowl and attempt to save the world from the forces of evil, you may NOT draw attention to our beloved Ms. Chetry's distracting behavior until the next commercial break.
Poor taste, sir. Poor taste. **giving a thumbs down**
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Shooting at the University of Texas
Shots rang out in the University of Texas today as a masked gunman walked through campus, firing randomly until he entered the school library and turned the AK-47 on himself. Thankfully, no one else was injured. But the incident was tragic none-the-less and drew up memories of the 1966 Texas Tower shooting where 14 were killed and over 30 wounded. Both events are examples of occurrences that just...BAFFLE me. I don't know when it became acceptable to even contemplate taking action of this kind. People have been doing crazy things throughout history, but bringing a gun to a school and opening fire is so far beyond the pale...
Naturally, I had the same feelings when the shootings at Columbine went down. Just utter bewilderment at how one can fathom the idea of resorting to such reprehensible activity. Listen, I can understand being in a bad spot emotionally/psychologically...I'm definitely not mitigating the intensity of those situations, believe you me. Nevertheless, it makes my heart heavy to think that people can and continue to entertain the senseless killing of innocent, unwitting students as a viable option. How did this happen???
I feel like if I wasn't so generally optimistic I would lose my faith in humanity with a frightening quickness. Sheesh...
http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/shots-fired-at-university-of-texas-campus-gunman-dead/19651642
Naturally, I had the same feelings when the shootings at Columbine went down. Just utter bewilderment at how one can fathom the idea of resorting to such reprehensible activity. Listen, I can understand being in a bad spot emotionally/psychologically...I'm definitely not mitigating the intensity of those situations, believe you me. Nevertheless, it makes my heart heavy to think that people can and continue to entertain the senseless killing of innocent, unwitting students as a viable option. How did this happen???
I feel like if I wasn't so generally optimistic I would lose my faith in humanity with a frightening quickness. Sheesh...
http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/shots-fired-at-university-of-texas-campus-gunman-dead/19651642
Monday, September 27, 2010
Escalating Flatulence
So, I have this fear.
I mean, I have a few fears. You know, the usual: spiders, dark basements, waking up to a wide-eyed, panting Gary Busey standing next to your bed.
But, in regard to the one about which I'm writing...well, I'd like to know if anyone shares this fear. It would make me feel a little bit better about having it, I think. So, here it is.
*exhale*
I have a long-standing fear of getting FARTED on while standing behind someone on the escalator.
C'mon...you know what I'm talking about, right?? You're riding a two or three steps behind someone on an escalator...your face is JUST about rump-level...and then, just when you think all is well, your nose detects the increasingly pungent odor of some recently released backdoor perfume! It's bad enough that you have to stand there in the mess of it, hoping and praying that it dissipates before your nose hairs start to curl up to their roots. But then you are forced to wrap your mind around the fact that what you're smelling is not just some bad B.O. or day-old dishes in need of washing, but noxious, gassy, post-digested food-stank that was just blasted, without permission or warning, into your face...FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S BUTT! BUTT to FACE!! GOOD SWEET SHPILCHIS, NO!!
While I'm sure there are some people who are into that kinda thing (as I firmly believe that if you can think of it, there's SOMEONE out there who's into it), I am not one of those people. Call me crazy, but, given the choice, I would prefer to partake in flatulent activity by playing the role of the dispenser, not the recipient. If I wanted to come face-to-butt with a gassy afterthought, I'm sure I know a few people who would be more than happy to assist me in that endeavor. But I don't. ESPECIALLY NOT ON AN ESCALATOR.
And, Ladies, do not think you're excluded from the scenario, here. I'm MOST afraid of you LADIES...yeah, I'm talkin' to you. See, you're the ones that, having some semblance of self-respect and dignity (cf. men), try to air your grievances in a manner that doesn't draw attention to yourselves...like, say, while driving in a convertible, or walking down a busy street, or ON A MOVING ESCALATOR! That's right, I'm calling you out. I know you ladies hold your fire, waiting for the perfect opportunity to let fly in a such a setting where the crime can never be traced back to you. It's smart, I'll give you that. But as far as automated uphill travel is concerned, I have you makeup-wearing crop-dusters on the radar first and foremost!
So, that be my fear. Odd? Perhaps. Unusual? Probably. Well-founded? I challenge arguments to the contrary.
I will close by saying that if I have made even one person more keenly aware of the olfactoral dangers of escalator travel, I have done my job and will go to sleep with a smile. And then, in all likelihood, dream of getting farted on while riding an escalator.
FOLLOW FROBlog TODAY!!!
I mean, I have a few fears. You know, the usual: spiders, dark basements, waking up to a wide-eyed, panting Gary Busey standing next to your bed.
But, in regard to the one about which I'm writing...well, I'd like to know if anyone shares this fear. It would make me feel a little bit better about having it, I think. So, here it is.
*exhale*
I have a long-standing fear of getting FARTED on while standing behind someone on the escalator.
C'mon...you know what I'm talking about, right?? You're riding a two or three steps behind someone on an escalator...your face is JUST about rump-level...and then, just when you think all is well, your nose detects the increasingly pungent odor of some recently released backdoor perfume! It's bad enough that you have to stand there in the mess of it, hoping and praying that it dissipates before your nose hairs start to curl up to their roots. But then you are forced to wrap your mind around the fact that what you're smelling is not just some bad B.O. or day-old dishes in need of washing, but noxious, gassy, post-digested food-stank that was just blasted, without permission or warning, into your face...FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S BUTT! BUTT to FACE!! GOOD SWEET SHPILCHIS, NO!!
While I'm sure there are some people who are into that kinda thing (as I firmly believe that if you can think of it, there's SOMEONE out there who's into it), I am not one of those people. Call me crazy, but, given the choice, I would prefer to partake in flatulent activity by playing the role of the dispenser, not the recipient. If I wanted to come face-to-butt with a gassy afterthought, I'm sure I know a few people who would be more than happy to assist me in that endeavor. But I don't. ESPECIALLY NOT ON AN ESCALATOR.
And, Ladies, do not think you're excluded from the scenario, here. I'm MOST afraid of you LADIES...yeah, I'm talkin' to you. See, you're the ones that, having some semblance of self-respect and dignity (cf. men), try to air your grievances in a manner that doesn't draw attention to yourselves...like, say, while driving in a convertible, or walking down a busy street, or ON A MOVING ESCALATOR! That's right, I'm calling you out. I know you ladies hold your fire, waiting for the perfect opportunity to let fly in a such a setting where the crime can never be traced back to you. It's smart, I'll give you that. But as far as automated uphill travel is concerned, I have you makeup-wearing crop-dusters on the radar first and foremost!
So, that be my fear. Odd? Perhaps. Unusual? Probably. Well-founded? I challenge arguments to the contrary.
I will close by saying that if I have made even one person more keenly aware of the olfactoral dangers of escalator travel, I have done my job and will go to sleep with a smile. And then, in all likelihood, dream of getting farted on while riding an escalator.
FOLLOW FROBlog TODAY!!!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I LOVE THE GYM
I hate the gym.
I've been going to the gym about thrice-a-week for the past yearish and it's gotten to the point where I honestly feel I should be getting PAID for the time I'm putting in. Not that I'm not seeing any results...the fruits of my labor, while smaller fruits than the fruits I'd prefer, are indeed present. On the whole, I'm extremely self-motivated, proactive, and perseverant. However, as health and fitness go, my nature is that of one who wants instant gratification without having to exert any actual effort. I'm like a bizarre combination of Oprah and Vince Vaughn. (I know...if you only had a nickel for every time someone uttered that very same statement...). Regardless, I bust my hump out there day after day in the seemingly-futile hope that one day...ONE DAY...I will emerge from the deep with 3% body fat and abs that look like a Klingon is trying to press their forehead through my abdomen.
As in most gyms, one often finds themselves in the situation of wanting to use a particular piece of workout equipment when a fellow gym-goer is not yet done using it. For some, this is the end of the story, figuring the user will be using said equipment for a while longer, so might as well move on...MAYbe come back to it later. For others, such as myself, this situation prompts another common occurrence:
The Bruh Scenario
The Bruh Scenario. Happens to me at least once a gym session. Most of the guys who work out the same time as I do are relatively friendly, as far as gym folk go. We have our little Bruh-moment, smile, and part ways. However, there's one regular at my sorry-excuse-for-an-apartment-complex-gym that isn't usually particularly pleasant to talk to...in fact, he's downright gruff. Physically, he fits the bill quite well: ~6'5", ~250, bald with a permascowl...basically a slightly slimmer version of Simon Adebisi from everyone's favorite prison love fest, Oz. Normally when I ask him how much longer he'll be using a given piece of equipment, his usual response consists of something between a nostril-flaring grunt and an ocularly-delivered death threat. I've come to accept this as the norm and we've existed rather happily in that state for quite some time.
Until a few days ago. I was at the gym, finishing up with a particularly Arnoldesque workout, when in walked Big Snarly. He lumbered toward the free weights were I was rounding off my last two sets and, with an ever-furrowed brow, began scanning the landscape...perhaps deciding where to begin, perhaps hunting for prey, who knows. I continued my last set of one-arm dumbbell snatches, reveling in being nearly done with yet another 4-bucket workout (buckets of sweat, mind you. It's a "1 to 4" rating system for workout intensity. I'm pretty sure the International Weightlifting Federation has plans to adopt it next year.). Just as I finished my last rep and lay the dumbbell on the ground, sweating worse than Tony Hayward at a congressional hearing, I looked up to see The Beast himself turn his head and look back at me. His gaze pierced deep into my soul. My muscles tensed. He straightened his body to full looming height, slowly opened his mouth, flashing an unexpected, uncharacteristic smirk that was probably the closest thing I would ever see to him smiling, and said in his low, African-accented baritone:
"I see you ah getting biggah."
....
........
(Sweet lord...did he just...just...TALK to me?)
"Oh yeah?" I cautiously responded, "Really?"
And with a final half-smile and nod, signifying that he was done talking and I could continue breathing, he walked off. I stood there for a minute, head cocked to the left and eyebrows raised in wonderment of the events that had just unfolded. And then, as I came back to reality and grabbed my towel off the barbell rack, I walked back to my gym bag thinking about what he said, and had myself a little satisfied grin.
I love the gym.
I've been going to the gym about thrice-a-week for the past yearish and it's gotten to the point where I honestly feel I should be getting PAID for the time I'm putting in. Not that I'm not seeing any results...the fruits of my labor, while smaller fruits than the fruits I'd prefer, are indeed present. On the whole, I'm extremely self-motivated, proactive, and perseverant. However, as health and fitness go, my nature is that of one who wants instant gratification without having to exert any actual effort. I'm like a bizarre combination of Oprah and Vince Vaughn. (I know...if you only had a nickel for every time someone uttered that very same statement...). Regardless, I bust my hump out there day after day in the seemingly-futile hope that one day...ONE DAY...I will emerge from the deep with 3% body fat and abs that look like a Klingon is trying to press their forehead through my abdomen.
As in most gyms, one often finds themselves in the situation of wanting to use a particular piece of workout equipment when a fellow gym-goer is not yet done using it. For some, this is the end of the story, figuring the user will be using said equipment for a while longer, so might as well move on...MAYbe come back to it later. For others, such as myself, this situation prompts another common occurrence:
The Bruh Scenario
Gym Guy 1: **walks over, attempts to attract attention with a sudden, swift head elevation-eyebrow raise combo move**
Gym Guy 2: **opens eyes wide, takes out one earbud signaling that conversation may commence**
Gym Guy 1: "How many sets ya got left, bruh?"
Gym Guy 2: **momentarily looks up and off into the distance counting, in his head, the two sets he has left** "Uh..2 sets. You can work in if you want."
Gym Guy 1: **raises open-palmed hand waist-level in polite declination** "Nah, take your time, bruh."
The Bruh Scenario. Happens to me at least once a gym session. Most of the guys who work out the same time as I do are relatively friendly, as far as gym folk go. We have our little Bruh-moment, smile, and part ways. However, there's one regular at my sorry-excuse-for-an-apartment-complex-gym that isn't usually particularly pleasant to talk to...in fact, he's downright gruff. Physically, he fits the bill quite well: ~6'5", ~250, bald with a permascowl...basically a slightly slimmer version of Simon Adebisi from everyone's favorite prison love fest, Oz. Normally when I ask him how much longer he'll be using a given piece of equipment, his usual response consists of something between a nostril-flaring grunt and an ocularly-delivered death threat. I've come to accept this as the norm and we've existed rather happily in that state for quite some time.
Until a few days ago. I was at the gym, finishing up with a particularly Arnoldesque workout, when in walked Big Snarly. He lumbered toward the free weights were I was rounding off my last two sets and, with an ever-furrowed brow, began scanning the landscape...perhaps deciding where to begin, perhaps hunting for prey, who knows. I continued my last set of one-arm dumbbell snatches, reveling in being nearly done with yet another 4-bucket workout (buckets of sweat, mind you. It's a "1 to 4" rating system for workout intensity. I'm pretty sure the International Weightlifting Federation has plans to adopt it next year.). Just as I finished my last rep and lay the dumbbell on the ground, sweating worse than Tony Hayward at a congressional hearing, I looked up to see The Beast himself turn his head and look back at me. His gaze pierced deep into my soul. My muscles tensed. He straightened his body to full looming height, slowly opened his mouth, flashing an unexpected, uncharacteristic smirk that was probably the closest thing I would ever see to him smiling, and said in his low, African-accented baritone:
"I see you ah getting biggah."
....
........
(Sweet lord...did he just...just...TALK to me?)
"Oh yeah?" I cautiously responded, "Really?"
And with a final half-smile and nod, signifying that he was done talking and I could continue breathing, he walked off. I stood there for a minute, head cocked to the left and eyebrows raised in wonderment of the events that had just unfolded. And then, as I came back to reality and grabbed my towel off the barbell rack, I walked back to my gym bag thinking about what he said, and had myself a little satisfied grin.
I love the gym.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Hairy Bitches Abound in New OK Go Video
Awesome times 10, people. I mean, it's not like they have a BAD video to their name. True to form, this one carried on the tradition of innovation, creativity, and...well, ODDness. I don't know with whom I'm more impressed, the band members or the dogs. With all that action going on, you'd think the dogs would start going bananas, barking like drunk Lindsay Lohans and leaving stinky trails of urine all over the set (the dogs, that is, not Lindsay. FROBlog can neither confirm nor deny any tendency by Ms. Lohan to leave stinky urine trails through the sets of her movies. NOT putting it past her, though...** "glug glug" hand motion **...).
And for your continued viewing pleasure: Ping Pong Tips from OK Go!
In fact, I pose the question to you:
With whom are you more impressed:
THE BAND or THE DOGS?
THE BAND or THE DOGS?
Answer in the "POST A COMMENT" box below!
And for your continued viewing pleasure: Ping Pong Tips from OK Go!
Taking it to the streets
Folks, when you live in an age of tremendous technological development such as...say...OURS, one must adapt to the changing times or risk being left behind in the dust. Here at FROBlog, we do not like dust. It's dirty. And really annoying to clean. Because first you try to use the feather duster, but that just spreads the dust around. So then your Mom is, like, "USE A WET WASH CLOTH AND THEN WIPE IT UP WITH A DRY ONE" and you're, like, "C'monnnn, Mom, that's SO MUCH work" and she's like, "JFro, if you did it regularly--
*AHEM* --deep breath--
But I digress. We're in the YouTube Age and everyone who is anyone can be found somewhere in YouTube's vast archive of celebrity shots, off key song covers, and drunk adolescent turdforbrains jumping onto trampolines from their parents' roofs. I'm not saying that FROBlog is "anyone" at this point, but in the hope that it will be at some point, I present to you the very first, the very text-based, the very quickly-thrown-together...FROBlog Video!!!
A round of applause for learning how to use Windows Movie Maker? No? No applause? Ok, no applause.
*AHEM* --deep breath--
But I digress. We're in the YouTube Age and everyone who is anyone can be found somewhere in YouTube's vast archive of celebrity shots, off key song covers, and drunk adolescent turdforbrains jumping onto trampolines from their parents' roofs. I'm not saying that FROBlog is "anyone" at this point, but in the hope that it will be at some point, I present to you the very first, the very text-based, the very quickly-thrown-together...FROBlog Video!!!
A round of applause for learning how to use Windows Movie Maker? No? No applause? Ok, no applause.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY!!! Assemble the REASONABLE people!!
Never before has a rally been so eagerly awaited!
Never before has a rally been so feared by politicians and lawmakers!
Never before has a rally been so...shrouded in mystery?
As the long-anticipated response to Glenn "Chalkboard Jockey" Beck's Restoring Honor rally, Jon Stewart announced his RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY on The Daily Show this past Thursday (Sep. 16th). This so-called "call-to-reasonableness" will take place October, 30 at 12-3pm on the National Mall and will feature...um...speeches? Music? One-armed plate-spinning unicyclist jugglers? Here, check out the Daily Show's official RTRS announcement and decipher for yourself:
Whatever the hell will be going on, FROBlog will be THERE, reporting "LIVE!" (not live) from the rally grounds. Stay tuned to FROBlog for all your RTRS updates! And, truthiness be told, you could always visit the official RTRS website: http://www.rallytorestoresanity.com/. As well, The Daily Show will be giving rally updates on the program and from Twitter/Facebook.
And, of course, leave it up to our good frenemy, Steven Colbert, to host a counter-rally, The March to Keep Fear Alive (http://www.keepfearalive.com/). Spoiler Alert: you can get to either web site by clicking the "Don't Click Here" button on either page (it's fun for a while, but overuse can result in violent nausea). Colbert's march will be **GASP!!** on the same day, time, and place as the RTRS as he attempts to offset Jon Stewart's rally by "notch[ing] it up a scoatch." Well, SIR, we shall see who emerges victorious, shan't we!
("shan't?")
Never before has a rally been so feared by politicians and lawmakers!
Never before has a rally been so...shrouded in mystery?
As the long-anticipated response to Glenn "Chalkboard Jockey" Beck's Restoring Honor rally, Jon Stewart announced his RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY on The Daily Show this past Thursday (Sep. 16th). This so-called "call-to-reasonableness" will take place October, 30 at 12-3pm on the National Mall and will feature...um...speeches? Music? One-armed plate-spinning unicyclist jugglers? Here, check out the Daily Show's official RTRS announcement and decipher for yourself:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Rally to Restore Sanity | ||||
| ||||
Whatever the hell will be going on, FROBlog will be THERE, reporting "LIVE!" (not live) from the rally grounds. Stay tuned to FROBlog for all your RTRS updates! And, truthiness be told, you could always visit the official RTRS website: http://www.rallytorestoresanity.com/. As well, The Daily Show will be giving rally updates on the program and from Twitter/Facebook.
And, of course, leave it up to our good frenemy, Steven Colbert, to host a counter-rally, The March to Keep Fear Alive (http://www.keepfearalive.com/). Spoiler Alert: you can get to either web site by clicking the "Don't Click Here" button on either page (it's fun for a while, but overuse can result in violent nausea). Colbert's march will be **GASP!!** on the same day, time, and place as the RTRS as he attempts to offset Jon Stewart's rally by "notch[ing] it up a scoatch." Well, SIR, we shall see who emerges victorious, shan't we!
("shan't?")
My friends, the SANITY will rise again!
Gird your loins...and wear comfortable shoes!
 |
| Image via RTRS Facebook event page |
Monday, September 20, 2010
Please, Shia, don't hurt 'em!
That title, as all you late 20/early 30-somethings may have wondered, is a play on the title of MC Hammer's ginormously huge third album that featured such hits as "U Can't Touch This," "Pray," and "....--uhhhh--well, yeah :) However, in referencing the Godfather of Baggy Pants while mentioning Shia LaBeouf, I am not insinuating that Mr. LaBoeuf is gearing up to either inflict violence on anyone or come out with a hit rap single. Or go into bankruptcy, for that matter (sorry, Hammer...had to throw it in there. You'll always be 2 Legit 2 Quit in my book.). It is simply my humble plea to Sir Shia not to hurt the millions of original Wall Street movie fans by playing the same prepubescent role in the new Wall Street movie that he has done--remarkably well, mind you--in the past few flicks in which he's starred (Transformers, Eagle Eye, Indiana Jones (arguably) ). I want to state first and foremost that I think the 'Beouf is a good actor; I have never seen Holes (spoiler alert: it ain't on my Netflix queue) nor Disturbia, which I heard was pretty decent, but his performance in Transformers was spot on. I mean, really, could you envision his character any other way (e.g. not bumbling, nervous, and horny as a recently-released convict)?
That said, I wasn't entirely convinced by his role in the new Indy flick (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, for clarification...NOT the most recent thing to come out of The Sundance Institute) where he was supposed to play a knife-wielding, motorcycle-riding greaser. I felt it was a little too "Shia" at times (sorry, Shia--can I call you 'Shia?') and fear the same will happen with his role in Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (opening in NY tonight), in which he plays the equivalent of Charlie Sheen's character from the original movie, the bubbling-over pot of ambition Bud Fox. Yes, truth-be-told, I'm only inferring the characters are supposed to be similar based on what I've seen from the previews (i.e. a young buck trying make a buck is taken under Gordon Gekko's scheming wing). But, frankly, whether they are or not is of no consequence. Any movie planning to follow-up an original as good as Wall Street has no room for error. The characters MUST be believable. And, as I couldn't picture anyone else playing Sam Witwicky with as much fumbling and clumsy hilarity as Shia, nether could I tolerate anyone playing a Bud Fox-like role with a hint of silliness or a drop less overconfidence.
Always one willing to give another the benefit of the doubt, I am keeping an open mind, hoping Das Beouf has solidified his act for the new Wall Street. If not, I may just have to stand outside of Casa LaBeouf in a trench coat with a boombox raised in the air blasting the "Greed is Good" speech on loop like a jacked-up Say Anything climax. I reiterate: Please, Shia, don't hurt 'em!
Side note: for the record, I think Shia LaBeouf is a pretty cool dude and, here and now, publicly invite him to get a drink with me. First round is on me. Next 6 months are on you, Shizia LaBizeouf. Shibby.
PS - Shia, if you're unhappy with this post and you'd like to switch places with me, I will be more than happy to be a movie star in your stead while you comment on my acting abilities to my eight loyal readers. No, seriously.
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| Shia "Dreamy Stare" LaBeouf Image via CreativeCommons.org |
Always one willing to give another the benefit of the doubt, I am keeping an open mind, hoping Das Beouf has solidified his act for the new Wall Street. If not, I may just have to stand outside of Casa LaBeouf in a trench coat with a boombox raised in the air blasting the "Greed is Good" speech on loop like a jacked-up Say Anything climax. I reiterate: Please, Shia, don't hurt 'em!
Side note: for the record, I think Shia LaBeouf is a pretty cool dude and, here and now, publicly invite him to get a drink with me. First round is on me. Next 6 months are on you, Shizia LaBizeouf. Shibby.
PS - Shia, if you're unhappy with this post and you'd like to switch places with me, I will be more than happy to be a movie star in your stead while you comment on my acting abilities to my eight loyal readers. No, seriously.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!!! - The Pissed-Off Edition
*sigh*
I don't even want to talk about it...
But I'm going to. Because I have a blog. And that what bloggers do.
Ravens lost. CHECK!
Dallas lost. CHECK!
Pittsburgh won. CHECK!
Redskins? ...
Well, does "screwed the pooch" cover it??? I mean, I'm pretty sure we were playing like champs and had a 17-point lead at ONE point in the game. Portis, with a meager 33 yards but a back-slap-worthy 2 TDs, finally came out to play. Santana had a handful of good catches, going 10 for 13. The Defense was doing there thing...for a while there, at least. WE WERE PLAYING WELL--which, unfortunately, isn't something I've been able to say with any confidence about my team as of late.
But then, like Friendster and communism, an encouraging start took a turn for the worse. A couple botched passes and a rather unfortunate field goal miss in overtime (THANKS, Gary Kubiak) helped seal the deal. And what looked like a promising victory ended up putting the Hogs 1 and1 for the sixth time in 11 seasons (thank you, Dan Steinberg). *sigh*
And that's all I'm saying about it.
Btw, why is Andre Johnson so good? It's almost not fair. They should give him a handicap...like, I dunno, make him play with a live porcupine in his pants. Knowing Johson, I'm sure he'd still land a few TDs...but HOT DAMN those victory dances would put MC Hammer to shame!
I don't even want to talk about it...
But I'm going to. Because I have a blog. And that what bloggers do.
Ravens lost. CHECK!
Dallas lost. CHECK!
Pittsburgh won. CHECK!
Redskins? ...
Well, does "screwed the pooch" cover it??? I mean, I'm pretty sure we were playing like champs and had a 17-point lead at ONE point in the game. Portis, with a meager 33 yards but a back-slap-worthy 2 TDs, finally came out to play. Santana had a handful of good catches, going 10 for 13. The Defense was doing there thing...for a while there, at least. WE WERE PLAYING WELL--which, unfortunately, isn't something I've been able to say with any confidence about my team as of late.
But then, like Friendster and communism, an encouraging start took a turn for the worse. A couple botched passes and a rather unfortunate field goal miss in overtime (THANKS, Gary Kubiak) helped seal the deal. And what looked like a promising victory ended up putting the Hogs 1 and1 for the sixth time in 11 seasons (thank you, Dan Steinberg). *sigh*
And that's all I'm saying about it.
Btw, why is Andre Johnson so good? It's almost not fair. They should give him a handicap...like, I dunno, make him play with a live porcupine in his pants. Knowing Johson, I'm sure he'd still land a few TDs...but HOT DAMN those victory dances would put MC Hammer to shame!
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