Please, Shia, don't hurt 'em!

That title, as all you late 20/early 30-somethings may have wondered, is a play on the title of MC Hammer's ginormously huge third album that featured such hits as "U Can't Touch This," "Pray," and "....--uhhhh--well, yeah :)  However, in referencing the Godfather of Baggy Pants while mentioning Shia LaBeouf, I am not insinuating that Mr. LaBoeuf is gearing up to either inflict violence on anyone or come out with a hit rap single.  Or go into bankruptcy, for that matter (sorry, Hammer...had to throw it in there.  You'll always be 2 Legit 2 Quit in my book.).  It is simply my humble plea to Sir Shia not to hurt the millions of original Wall Street movie fans by playing the same prepubescent role in the new Wall Street movie that he has done--remarkably well, mind you--in the past few flicks in which he's starred (Transformers, Eagle Eye, Indiana Jones (arguably) ).  I want to state first and foremost that I think the 'Beouf is a good actor; I have never seen Holes (spoiler alert: it ain't on my Netflix queue) nor Disturbia, which I heard was pretty decent, but his performance in Transformers was spot on.  I mean, really, could you envision his character any other way (e.g. not bumbling, nervous, and horny as a recently-released convict)?

Shia "Dreamy Stare" LaBeouf
Image via CreativeCommons.org

That said, I wasn't entirely convinced by his role in the new Indy flick (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, for clarification...NOT the most recent thing to come out of The Sundance Institute) where he was supposed to play a knife-wielding, motorcycle-riding greaser.  I felt it was a little too "Shia" at times (sorry, Shia--can I call you 'Shia?') and fear the same will happen with his role in Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (opening in NY tonight), in which he plays the equivalent of Charlie Sheen's character from the original movie, the bubbling-over pot of ambition Bud Fox.  Yes, truth-be-told, I'm only inferring the characters are supposed to be similar based on what I've seen from the previews (i.e. a young buck trying make a buck is taken under Gordon Gekko's scheming wing).  But, frankly, whether they are or not is of no consequence.  Any movie planning to follow-up an original as good as Wall Street has no room for error.  The characters MUST be believable.  And, as I couldn't picture anyone else playing Sam Witwicky with as much fumbling and clumsy hilarity as Shia, nether could I tolerate anyone playing a Bud Fox-like role with a hint of silliness or a drop less overconfidence.


Always one willing to give another the benefit of the doubt, I am keeping an open mind, hoping Das Beouf has solidified his act for the new Wall Street.  If not, I may just have to stand outside of Casa LaBeouf in a trench coat with a boombox raised in the air blasting the "Greed is Good" speech on loop like a jacked-up Say Anything climax.  I reiterate: Please, Shia, don't hurt 'em!


Side note: for the record, I think Shia LaBeouf is a pretty cool dude and, here and now, publicly invite him to get a drink with me.  First round is on me.  Next 6 months are on you, Shizia LaBizeouf.  Shibby.




PS - Shia, if you're unhappy with this post and you'd like to switch places with me, I will be more than happy to be a movie star in your stead while you comment on my acting abilities to my eight loyal readers.  No, seriously.