Beyond Vanilla

Texas.  Home of the Cowboys, the Alamo, and tuxedos made completely of denim.

I'm here this week on business, staying at the Crowne Plaza in downtown Dallas.  It's a nice enough hotel; I mean, any place that boasts a breakfast buffet that moonlights as a nightclub HAS to be quality, right?  Was walking through the lobby yesterday when I notice a small group wearing various articles of leather.  'Biker family,' I thought to myself.  Then, later that day, I notice many more people wearing leather vests and various...interesting accessories.  Hmmm, must be a biker convention.

But when I entered the elevator this morning to find two leather clad grandpas with name tags that said "Beyond Vanilla," my curiosity overcame itself.  As one of the grampses left the elevator and the doors closed behind him, I asked the remaining gentleman, "Excuse me, sir, but what is 'Beyond Vanilla.'"

The elevator went up one floor as he looked at me hesitantly.  After a pregnant pause, he said under his breath:

"It's a training.  An education event. [long pause]  For kinky people."

And with that the doors opened and he promptly exited.  And I IMMEDIATELY went for my laptop.

Ladies and gents, from their website, http://www.beyondvanilla.org/, I present:

The History of Beyond Vanilla

In 1990, a group of like-minded people, the first members of NLA Dallas' Executive Committee assumed from the Disciples of de Sade an educational forum called Beyond Vanilla. This was a one day formal presentation of Leather, SM and fetish interests and issues in one hour segments held on consecutive Thursdays in May. It was planned that this be a twice yearly affair. While that plan didn't work out, what Beyond Vanilla has become is more than the sum of it's parts or it's organizers, presenters and attendees. It has a life and a purpose all it's own. That purpose is education.

Through the years, 21 of them to be exact, the workshops have included topics such as "Our Kink Is OK!", Flogging, Bottom Issues and Perspectives, Fisting, SM and Domestic Violence, Switching, Fantasies, Fetish Wear, Gay and Lesbian SM - Coming Out For The Second Time, Age and Gender Play, SM and Spirituality, Fantasy To Reality, Protocol, Canings, Single tails, CBT, Polyamory, all types of relationship issues and just about anything else you'd ever want to know about Leather, SM, D/s and fetish activities. The workshops of the past bear a striking resemblance to those of today indicating that the desire for education is ongoing and the influx of people who want that education is ongoing as well.

Yes, that is correct.  In my hotel, the Crowne Plaza of downtown Dallas, Beyond Vanilla 22 is in full effect!  How does one get so lucky...  Don't know how much of this undoubtedly fascinating event I'll be able to chronicle, but I'm going to exercise every bit of guerrilla journalism in my blood. 

Well, up to the point when I have to don nipple clamps.  I always draw the line at nipple clamps.

Orange Banana Bread

That's the long and short of it. Made me some orange banana bread, I did.  And it was damn good.  May very well have a new career on my hands.

Feast thine eyes. (thx, Paula)

Hand sold separately.

Goodnight, Goodnight, Construction Site

I hate kids.

Ok, that's not entirely accurate.  I actually love kids.  But I DE. TEST. kids on airplanes.  I LOATHE kids on airplanes.  AND and the stupid parents that are "responsible" for them.  And using the word "responsible" is a bit of a misnomer as it implies that one has not only the duty to protect as needed, but must also act responsibly...a novel choice of behavior so rarely considered by parents on airplanes on which I fly.

Some context?  Sure.  I recently took a trip to L.A.  I was psyched.  L.A. BABY!  Sunshine, palm trees, Blake Lively!  Oh how giddy I was to board the plane and get my spicy tomato juice and peanuts!

But, as soon as I entered the cabin and scanned the motley crowd before me, I noticed many a diminutive being sitting amongst the normal sized humans.  "Hmmm," I thought to myself, "there be littl'uns about."  But, hey, they were just kind of sitting there, staring up at the buttons and lights...seemingly innocuous, right?

Apparently, in turning on the plane's engine, the Captain also inadvertently hit the "child insanity switch," at which point every surrounding kid's head exploded in concert.  "I want the iPad!!"  "Are we leaving??!!"  "How much longer????!!!"  "Ariewhoteoerweoifjweogwer!!!!"

In doing an internet search for the definition of a "parent," I found the following:

par·ent  (pâr’ənt, păr’-)n.

1. One who begets, gives birth to, or nurtures and raises a child; a father or mother.

2. A horrible, broken, detached asshole who brings their annoying, socially incompatible children on my flights and proceeds to fall asleep while said offspring scream, kick my seat, play Angry Birds at full blast, make odd chirping/squeaking noises every 5.7 seconds, and bring me to the point of wanting to suffocate myself with the Sky Mall catalog.

I couldn't help but wonder why the two kids three rows up were speaking so loudly when their Mom was sitting right next to them.  A quick trip to the bathroom illuminated the answer to that question: she was sleeping.  Sleeping.  THE WOMAN WAS SLEEPING WHILE HER KIDS YELLED AT EACH OTHER, FOUGHT OVER ELECTRONICS, AND BOUNCED UP AND DOWN.  I'm sorry, but if you're on a plane with your young kids, you act as though you're guarding a serial killer through interstate transport, damn it: eyes open and, if possible, shotgun in hand.  As I looked around at the people sitting nearby, I noticed that everyone shared a similar look of angry, frustrated bewilderment.  One by one they all turned to look at the sleeping mother like a pack of ravenous lions ready to attack an unwitting gazelle.  Oh, had she not opened half an eyelid and muttered to her kids a barely intelligible reprimand, the carnage would have been glorious!!  GLORIOUS, I SAY!!

The kicker was on the flight back from L.A.  Dad and son sat behind me.  Dad was loud.  Son was loud.  They were a family devoid of volume control, kind of like the Coneheads.  I have to give Dad credit...he did suggest that little "Sweety" take a nap at various points during the flight.  Ever-the-wiser, Sweety decided it best that he stay awake, fart, and kick my seat throughout our travels over the mid-west.  Good call, Sweety!  Btw, there's no Santa Clause and you're never going to have dessert again, you little limburger-smelling punk!!

Adding insult to injury, Dad offered to read to little Sweety Goodnight, Goodnight, Construction Site.  This adorable and realistic children's book describes the activities of a handful of construction trucks as they prepare for bed.  Now, I love anthropomorphized machinery as much as the next guy. (anyone remember Mike Mulligan's steam shovel?)  But, Dad began to read aloud as if he was performing a dramatic recitation of The Tempest to an eager crowd of hearing-disabled geriatrics.  And every truck's section concluded with, "Shhh!!" to which Dad made sure to add a few extra loud "h"s.  And finally...

...finally...

...when he FINALLY finished the damned book...

...just when I thought the worst was over...

...he asked Sweety if he wanted him to read it again.

Truth-be-told, I can't wait to have kids of my own.  I just wonder how quickly they'll adapt to taking the train while Mommy and Daddy fly overhead.

Beam me up

Funny what you find when you do a YouTube search for "Colm Meaney" (and, yes, I realize I might be the first).  This little gem is equal parts uncomfortable and bizarre. Not sure if Colm Meaney would approve, but I certainly do.

ENJOY!

Aloe Blacc is the man.

This is BAD. ASS.

Not new, no.  Anyone who's seen How To Make It In America will recognize the tune.  But this version of Aloe Blacc's I Need A Dollar, remixed with Emis Killa, is dope city.  Old school soul meets Italian rap; they go together like peas and carrots.  Tell me I'm wrong, I dare you.

Naturally, having just got into How To Make It In America two seasons late, I found out it was cancelled.  Anyone who likes NYC half as much as I do should protest...the show's good.  It's like a gritty, east coast version of Entourage, sans glitz and Emmanuelle Chriqui.  Unlike Entourage, where Vince has basically already "made it" and is trying to keep it going, the two main characters in HTMIIA are struggling to get going; in that way, the show is more accessible to your average, everyday non-Hollywoodian.  There is an underlying, angsty love story (doesn't there have to be?), but it's completely palatable and doesn't prevent the overarching themes of friendship, entrepreneurship, and perseverance-in-the-face-of-adversity from shining through.  It's fun and well-written and makes you really want Ben and Cam, the main characters, to succeed.  And with NYC as the backdrop, it had me at hello.

C'mon, Señor EP Mark Wahlberg...bring it back!  And say hi to ya mutha for me.

Double Oh HELLZ YEAH

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

KOSHA KOSHA DILLZ, Y'ALL!

I didn't know this guy existed until a few days ago, but the fact that someone in this world created the name "Kosha Dillz" brings light to my life.  This good Jewish boy is straight up gangsta, rappin' and freestylin' with the best of 'em.  He already has multiple videos out and even a likeness on NBA 2K11 (oddly enough, he can only claim title to being the SECOND Jewish rapper in a video game...Drake was the first.  Yeah, Drake's Jewish.  Boychick's a day-schooler and was Bar-Mitzvahed...who knew??).

Kosha Dillz...he'll spit mad lyrics and then davein a mean musaf.*  Watch out for this up'n'comer, folks, you'll undoubtedly be hearing more from him soon.  But not on Shabbos.


CHECK HIM OUT HERE

*I know, I know, my gentile friends...lots of strange references.  That's what Google's for; go forth.

Just sayin'...

Disclaimer: I am not a parent.  I do not profess to know how to parent.  But I do possess a small amount of common sense, which, I believe, qualifies me to comment on some parents' decisions.

Recently, the video (below) of the baby in a zebra-striped onesie attracting a hungry lion came to my attention.  After watching it with eyes wide open a few times, my feelings went from "wow, that's pretty wild" to "ummm...why don't they MOVE THEIR DAMNED KID????"

I understand there is a glass barrier that doesn't look as though it's going anywhere, so the lil' guy isn't in any apparent danger.  But, you know, just thinking back to....I dunno...history, there seem to be a handful of times when situations and structures that seemed infallible went awry.  Or, rather, horribly awry (because, c'mon, when has there really only been a semi-bad accident regarding something no one thought would ever fail?)

Alls I'm sayin's is, if it was my little zebra baby, I think I would have probably snatched him away from the window about 0.6 seconds after that lion opened his "I could comfortably fit you in here, little zebra baby" mouth.  I'm sure the glass would have held.  I'm sure the clueless little rugrat would have been just fine even if they left him there another 15 minutes.  But, well...the Titanic's passengers were pretty confident they were just going on a luxury cruise on the greatest vessel ever constructed, right?

Just sayin'...

(I was going to close with "Not a sermon, just a thought," but I didn't want to get Lon Solomon's McLean Bible Church panties in a bunch.)

Ommmmm-m'lord....

Now that I'm doing yoga on a more consistent basis, I have had quite the case of "yoga on the brain"...various yoga-related thoughts throughout the day, random urges to get into downward dog, things of that nature.  My YOTB has recently manifested itself in an idea that I would like to make public here and now so, naturally, later in court, I can prove that I had the idea first.

I want to open a grilled cheese cart called Harness Your Cheese.

Artisan cheeses, quality bread selection, and calming music to soothe the soul during the midday rush.  C'mon...that's GOLD, Jerry...GOLD! 

Here's the "storefront" sign:

Benefactors welcome...namaste.

An Unexpected Poster

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEARS Customer Service's Finest

Oh, this is just the PERFECT follow-up to my most recent post.  Here's my transcript with SEARS Customer Service (context: repair guy was scheduled to arrive b/w 8am-12pm.  Never happened.  This chat took place shortly after 6pm.  We had called 3 times previously and were assured we'd get call-backs each time.  Never happened.).

Please wait while we find an agent to assist you...
You have been connected to Arlan Parks.
Arlan Parks: Thank you for choosing Sears. My name is Arlan. How may I assist you?
Jason: We have been waiting since 8am for a service technician to come to our house and no one has come all day.
Arlan Parks: Hi Jason.
Jason: That is 10 hours of wasted time.
Arlan Parks: I am sorry for the inconvenience caused to you in this regard.
Arlan Parks: I will be happy to check and help you with the information about that.
Arlan Parks: In order to assist you better, may I have your phone number beginning with the area code along with your e-mail address please?
Jason: An entire day of work and pay.
Jason: ***-***-**** (phone number)
Arlan Parks: Thank you.
Jason: We are unbelievably disappointed in and insulted by Sears' lack of customer service and accountability.
Jason: Email is **************@gmail.com
Arlan Parks: I checked and see that the service for your refrigerator was scheduled on 04/23/2012 from 8:00 AM from 12:00 PM.
Jason: We have called numerous times throughout the day and were told we'd be called back periodically. We didn't receive ONE call.
Jason: That is correct.
Jason: But no one has come in the past 10 hours.
Arlan Parks: Jason, this does not at all excuse the fact that you had to wait. I am truly sorry for the lack of assistance that you have received.
Arlan Parks: Jason, I will go ahead and sent a message to the routing team and they will call you at the soonest.
Jason: That is what we have been told all day.
Arlan Parks: I will also go ahead and raise a complaint against this.
Arlan Parks: I request you to wait for the technician to wait for some more time and they will call you shortly and get the service done.
Jason: I would appreciate that...my time is just as valuable as anyone else's and it is a shame Sears does not recognize that.
Arlan Parks: We strive to provide our customers with prompt and accurate service in response to their individual situations. High-quality and accurate Customer Service is our foremost priority. We are working diligently to improve our internal systems and training programs.
Arlan Parks: Is there anything else with which I can help you today?
Jason: Well, to be honest, I'd like to know how I am to be compensated for the hours and hours I've spent needlessly waiting for a technician to arrive when I could have been working?
Arlan Parks: Jason, our routing team is in process to arrange the service for your refrigerator and I apology for the inconvenience caused to you so far.
Arlan Parks: I am happy to standby and wait for a few more moments.
Jason: That's good to hear...however, that should have happened between 8am and 12pm this morning. Now it's 6 hours later.
Arlan Parks: I can understand you concern, Jason.
Arlan Parks: Please wait for the technician to arrive and get the service done. 
Jason: Again, I appreciate that, Arlan.  However, I would like to know if SEARS does, in any way, respect the fact that I have wasted an entire workday--where I could have been earning money, mind you--waiting for a repairman to show without so much as a call-back from dispatch telling us when we should realistically expect anyone to arrive.

**at this point my response was cut off as Arlan, apparently, ended the chat abruptly**

Arlan Parks: Thank you for choosing Sears Chat. Have a pleasant evening.
Thank you for using InstantService. You may now close this window.
Your session has ended. You may now close this window.

I'd be more than happy to help you...

Ladies and gentlemen of the world, please tell me you're with me on this one...

Can we all come together in agreement that companies can stop instructing their phone-based customer support staff to give the obligatory "I'd be more than happy to help you with that today" response?  It's to the point where I don't just get irritated upon hearing it, but suffer a visceral response akin to that of someone flicking my ear.  If the "more than happy" statement really meant anything, I wouldn't be so opposed.  But, really...do I run the risk of saying something with which you [yup, now I'm talking to the customer service rep] will NOT be happy to help me?  Should I feel better after hearing confirmation of your eager willingness to help with my problem, although nothing in your tone indicates you could possibly give two shits about why I called?  The lack of concern is transparent...but that's O.K.  I get it.  We all do.  You don't want to be there.  We don't want to be calling you.  So can we just dispense with the pleasantries and have a semi-cordial conversation that saves both time and temperament and concludes with my problem being solved by you, the person meant to solve it???

Ommmmmmmmm....

Question: What is love?

Answer:
Oh baby, don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me...no more.

Words o' Wisdom

“If you want to build a ship, don’t herd people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.”

— Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Just Toolin' Around

Folks, if you like building stuff, wrecking stuff, and getting from place to place without spending copious amounts on gas, District Hardware in downtown Washington, DC is your one-stop shop (consequently, if you don't like any of the aforementioned activities, you are a half-man/woman and need to broaden your horizons).  Go there (yes, that's an order); the Conways have been running this family-owned business for the past 40 years and it is DC's FINEST hardware and bike shop...and they'll treat ya real nice like, taboot.  Tell 'em JFro sent ya...there won't be any additional discount or anything, but if enough people do it they'll be REALLY curious about who this JFro character is, won't they...

Picture politely stolen from http://thebikeshopdc.com/

http://thebikeshopdc.com/

Drinking Made Zaney

"SAVE THREE SHEETS!!!"  That was the alcohol-fueled, usually-slurred mantra about 3ish years ago when our favorite drinking show, Three Sheets, faced eternal cancellation from TVdom.  But our voices were heard and Three Sheets was reinstated in all of its former glory (or, rather, it was kicked around from network to network until it landed on Spike where it currently airs Sunday nights at 11:00pm).

Now, Zane Lamprey, the show's constantly-thirsty host, has a new venture: Drinking Made Easy, a podcast about all things boozy (catch it via the link above or Wednesdays at 8pm on HDNet).  I'm listening to the premiere episode now and it's good stuff--entertaining commentary from Zane and co. minus a bit of the typical shenanigannery you've come to expect form your average Three Sheets episode.  Listen up and l'chaim!

Beer Brain, defined.

Woohoo, another successful submission to Urbandictionary.com!  Click here to see if, like me, you suffer from BEER BRAIN (definition #2 on the page).

The Mouth Doth Water

I have been talking about craft beer--a lot about Dogfish Head, specifically--with my work buddies for the past week or so and, frankly, I think I have a serious case of Beer Brain: a consequence of continual beer chat whereby the brain's beer neurons fire relentlessly at the salivary glands, producing persistent, excessive salivation and a recurrent desire to hit up the local watering hole.  I'm hard at work on a cure...and I see that the good folks at The Bruery and Dogfish Head are, too; click the link below to check out the two innovative beer makers' latest crack at sudsy wonderment:

http://thefullpint.com/beer-reviews/the-bruerydogfish-head-faster-bigger-better-bolder?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Thefullpintcom+%28thefullpint.com+-+Beer+News%2C+Reviews+and+Event+Coverage%29

Shameless Loser

I may have mentioned it in a previous post, but The Biggest Loser is...**ahem**...a guilty pleasure of mine.  Not the entirety of each season, but moreso when it gets down to about 10-12 people and the flabulicious drama really starts to simmer.  Honestly, there are parts of the show that I truly can't stand; for instance, after the weigh-in when they go into what I like to call "The Crying Room" and sob and sob and SOB about how their journey isn't done and they need to be on the ranch and they're just finding out who they really are and yadda yadda yadda (wow...when did I get so sensitive?).  Not to mention that I really have no idea how the show is still on the air.  It's in its, what, 13th season?  AND IT'S THE SAME THING EVERY TIME, WEEK AFTER WEEK, EPISODE AFTER EPISODE!!!  WHY, Lord, do people continue to watch men with full-scale back boobs sweat and cry for a straight hour every single week?!  I'm fairly certain that, had this show never been created and we heard that our troops were making Guantanamo Bay inmates watch that sort of content, we, as a society, would be appalled at our treatment of terrorists.

That said, it's still a guilty pleasure and I love seeing those chunkers sweat off the pounds and truly transform themselves into healthier and happier folks.  But, one thing I've been seeing more and more is shamelessly blatant SUBWAY advertising being injected into any given episode.  It's very Truman Showesque.  For example, last week's episode featured a contest between two of the housemates whereby the loser had to buy the other lunch.  Guess where they got the food?  Yup, the House o' Jared.  But, hey, whatever, that's cool...no problem there.  It was the talking head clip afterwards that really got me when trainer Dolvett--what is that, btw, Dolvett?  It's not a name, I'll tell you that much.  It sounds like a car that was last seen in 1973...--started spouting off about how he always recommends people eat Subway because Subway offers subs at under X calories and Subway is easy and healthy and FEH!!  C'mon man, really?  Does it have to be THAT obvious they're paying you ridiculous sums of money to push their product?  It just seems to cheapen the integrity of the trainers who, for some reason, I hold in high esteem after watching them kick that much ass for as long as they've been doing it (and believe me, non-watchers, it's been a LOT of ass...).

It just irritates me.  And, I don't know why, but I'd much rather be subconsciously lured into shopping at Subway by strategic product placement rather than transparent, scripted endorsements.  So, Biggest Loser, let's put an end to the lame, forced narrative ads and stick to what you do best: placing branded foodstuffs around multi-chinned diabetics and letting the schvitzfest ensue!

So THAT's where Kenny G's been hiding!

I know it's been weighing on your minds as it has mine all these long years: WHERE HAS KENNY G BEEN??  One minute he was playing soothing new age tunes on his not-at-all-emasculating soprano saxophone, and the next he was...well, just gone.  Kind of like Keyser Söze, but instead of the fake limp and convincing anecdotes, he had a monstrously receding hairline and did duets with Michael Bolton.

However, I think I finally figured out where Waldo has been all these years.  See, Kenny undoubtedly realized his gift of ultra-chill saxophonery was only good for a certain period of time (1992, specifically); he needed a new venture to stay relevant in contemporary pop culture.  Something different enough from what he was known for; something that would really separate him from the stereotype he'd become.  And then it hit me...

KENNY G IS TOBEY MAGUIRE!

No, really, look!  Take away the sax, curly locks, and 5 o'clock shadow and, BAM, you've got Spidey.  I don't know how I didn't see it before.  And it only makes sense...he gets to maintain popularity and acclaim while dispensing with all the Kenny G bashing that has followed him for so many years.  Not to mention I'm sure he's always been jealous of people with last names.

So there you have it, folks...mystery solved.  I know that I, for one, will be able to sleep soundly tonight knowing that our Kenny is alive and well.  And now, I'm going to put Breathless on loop and gaze endlessly into the distance.

Quote of the Day

"Why do people say 'grow some balls?'  Balls are weak and sensitive.  If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina.  Those things can take a pounding”

-Betty White (finder's credit given to Mark Shabason, President of the Betty White Fan Club For Men)

Foxy

The Wife thinks that Sam Trammell from True Blood looks like the Car Fox...you be the judge.