So THAT's where Kenny G's been hiding!

I know it's been weighing on your minds as it has mine all these long years: WHERE HAS KENNY G BEEN??  One minute he was playing soothing new age tunes on his not-at-all-emasculating soprano saxophone, and the next he was...well, just gone.  Kind of like Keyser Söze, but instead of the fake limp and convincing anecdotes, he had a monstrously receding hairline and did duets with Michael Bolton.

However, I think I finally figured out where Waldo has been all these years.  See, Kenny undoubtedly realized his gift of ultra-chill saxophonery was only good for a certain period of time (1992, specifically); he needed a new venture to stay relevant in contemporary pop culture.  Something different enough from what he was known for; something that would really separate him from the stereotype he'd become.  And then it hit me...

KENNY G IS TOBEY MAGUIRE!

No, really, look!  Take away the sax, curly locks, and 5 o'clock shadow and, BAM, you've got Spidey.  I don't know how I didn't see it before.  And it only makes sense...he gets to maintain popularity and acclaim while dispensing with all the Kenny G bashing that has followed him for so many years.  Not to mention I'm sure he's always been jealous of people with last names.

So there you have it, folks...mystery solved.  I know that I, for one, will be able to sleep soundly tonight knowing that our Kenny is alive and well.  And now, I'm going to put Breathless on loop and gaze endlessly into the distance.