Levi Johnston: Baby Daddy, Playgirl Model...uhh...MAYORAL CANDIDATE???

The universe, as we have been led to understand it, is basically a collection of planets, stars, galaxies, gas, dust, and anything else that falls into the rather broad category of "any and all matter and energy."  And Gary Busey.  How do all things in this vast universe coexist without constantly banging into each other, blowing up, or getting sucked into black holes?  Well, the answer I'm prepared to give you, being neither a physicist, cosmologist, or any other kind of scientist equipped to deal with space-time, is that there is an order to most things.  The component parts of our solar system work pretty well together; the earth orbits the sun, the sun heats the earth, badabing badaboom...LIFE!  Trees give off oxygen, humans give off carbon dioxide, each lives because of the other. Animals poop, the poo fertilizes the soil, things grow from the soil on which the animals feed resulting, naturally, in more poo.  Rinse and repeat. (this scenario, however, does NOT excuse my ferrets from showcasing their excretory abilities on my carpet night after night.  Thank you for that one, Universe.)

Even non-natural processes follow natural progressions.  No company starts off in the Forbes 100; you start small, gain capital, employees, and revenue, and work your way up to stand tall with the big boys.  No building goes from an architectural blueprint to a complete structure...that would be one magical erection.  Nor does a business transaction go from idea to handshake.  You get my point; there is an order to things, a way things should be done.  Sometimes, however, something happens that makes one question the natural order of things.  Something happens that makes one question LIFE as we know it.

LJ...posing hard
Photo by Carol Highsmith
[public domain], from
Wikimedia Commons

That thing, my dear readers, happened about two months ago when Levi "Overachiever" Johnston announced his candidacy for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  Just to make sure we're all on the same page, Levi Johnston is the double ex-fiance of Bristol Palin (yup, you heard that right), father to their lovechild, bane of Sarah Palin's existence (which ALMOST gives him a few points), avid hunter, aspiring actor, and Playgirl model.  So, you know, the typical resume for the average mayoral candidate.

His education, you ask?  S'all good.  He clocked a few years of high school.  Just enough to qualify him for mayor, not enough to be...you know...annoying.

Previous political experience?  Hmm...that's a little tougher...I mean, he DID have a child out of wedlock and loves guns, does that qualify him?  No?  Not to worry!  Like any other political leader, LJ is undoubtedly poised to surround himself with the best and brightest minds of our time.  Potential candidates may include such qualified individuals as Paris Hilton for campaign manager, Spencer Pratt for head speech writer, and of course, Levi's twice almost-mother-in-law Sarah Palin for the newly-created position of Chief Mama Grizzly (responsibilities include raising funds, garnering public support, and organizing weekly moose hunts.  And getting booed at Dancing With The Stars--OH NO YOU DIH-UNT!!!).

Not sure how you'll keep up with all the enthralling election excitement?  Don't worry about missing the fun; the whole ridiculosity will be documented in Levi's upcoming reality series, Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor's Office.  Yup...that's right...watch out, I <3 NY reruns, there's a NEW contender in town!

What this all comes down to is...

HOW ON GOD'S SWEET GREEN EARTH DOES LEVI JOHNSTON THINK HE'S QUALIFIED TO RUN FOR MAYOR OF ANYTHING MORE THAN HIS SPORT ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE POSTER-RIDDEN BEDROOM???????  THIS GOES DIRECTLY AGAINST THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS!!!  You don't 1) drop out of high school, 2) become a public figure by getting your famous not-wife pregnant, 3) pose for the most popular nudie rag in the world, and THEN RUN FOR MAYOR!!!  That's just...just...INSANE!!

I can understand that some people take longer to mature than others (I, myself, fall into this category, as evidenced by the fact that I am 29 years old and, at this exact moment, am laughing at the fact that one of my ferrets just farted while pooping.  On my carpet, mind you.).  Youthful indiscretions can be excused through the passage of time.  But, the line's gotta be drawn somewhere.  It's not like the good Sir Johnston built his impressive resume when he was a kid and we can chalk it up to the fumblings of inexperience...IT. WAS. LAST. YEAR.

Levi, I wish you the best of luck.  Not just because you'll need a ridonkulous amount of it.  But because you've got the cojones to jump into the abyss, knowing full well the futility of it all.  So what if you're completely, utterly, painfully unqualified?  So what if your inane aspirations are disrupting the space-time continuum, potentially throwing off the rotation of the planet and sending our futures spiraling into uncertainty?  Don't let those nay-sayers deter you...you follow your dream, big boy.  I leave you with these sage words of advice, uttered by Larry The Cable Guy--who, considering his parallel qualifications, you might want to think about taking on as your press secretary: Git-R-Done!