The Constitution of the United States of America guarantees its citizens certain rights. I won't go into them--that's what Wikipedia's for. But it does so state, in its preamble, that one of its purposes is to promote the general welfare of this fine nation. If this notion was on the forefront of the framers' minds when drafting the document, it surely has fallen to the wayside as of late. This is best evidenced by the price of stadium beer during sports events.
I can only speak from personal experience. And...the echoed experiences of EVERYONE I've ever talked to about this sad, sad subject. The state of affairs of sports event alcohol distribution is in the pooper and has been so for some time now. This past Sunday, I attended a Redskins game at the awesomely huge FedEx Field (don't get me started about stadiums named after companies...that's a WHOLE 'NOTHER RANT...). It was sometime during the first...ummm...I dunno, four seconds of gameplay when I felt an oh-so-familiar urge deep inside my liver. "FEED ME" it whispered in a Field of Dreams-like manner. "FEED ME CRAPPY STADIUM SWILL."
Not one to ignore the basest desires of my own body, I immediately began scanning the stands for that glorious champion of game-going suds-guzzlers, that herculean hero of particularly parched football fanatics, that magical muse of dangerously dehydrated drunken debaucherers. You know him as "Beer Man." As if he heard my cry from the depths of his refrigerated lair, Beer Man soon appeared at the bottom of our section and began his triumphant climb upwards. My heart was aflutter. My liver, aquiver. The time for libations was nigh, and I was ready to...um...libate. (that's what she said?)
But as Beer Man neared, my eyes focused in on the white lettering adorning his oversized, waterdroplet-lined beer bucket.
$8! Per Miller?! Are you fo'surious??!!
Now, this was not the first time I had bought beer at FedEx. Nor was it the first time I was poised to buy overpriced stadium brew in general. But for some reason, I convinced myself prior to the game that the beer at FedEx cost $7. Seeing that it was, in fact, MORE (albeit a dollar) than the already-overpriced number I had in mind brought back all the feelings of confusion, frustration, and incredulity that I experienced upon learning of these ridiculous prices for the first time. And it angered me. So much so that I had to buy an $8 beer to calm myself down.
This isn't just a case of unfortunate corporate greed or capitalizing on an unbalanced supply and demand scenario. This is, without a doubt, a direct violation of our Constitutional rights! Having beer at a sports event is not a privilege to be earned, it's a necessity of life like air, food, and Entourage On Demand. Studies* have shown that we are BIOLOGICALLY DESIGNED to require beer at sporting events...it's just a fact of life.** And the exorbitantly high prices of beer/wine/spirits at sporting events denies the average citizen the ability to purchase their desired amount of alcohol while remaining financially responsible (Side note: anyone who orders wine at a football game deserves to pay up the wazoo. C'mon...seriously...WINE? Your mother is not proud.).
The inability to purchase appropriately-priced beer at professional football games is detrimental to our nation's general welfare. Period. Think of the repercussions were this practice to continue: fans too sober to sit through 60 minutes of football would abandon going to the actual game in favor of tailgating in the parking lot. Ticket sales would lag resulting in lower player salaries. The players would have less incentive to play their best and, thus, the game would become less-appealing, causing people to stop watching from their living rooms. Sponsors would pull their ads, slowing commercial sales and leading to price inflation for regular consumer goods, ultimately triggering a massive recession that would put our current recession to shame. A befuddled Congress would be completely occupied with figuring out how to save our utterly crippled economy, ignoring matters of homeland security and leaving our glorious nation susceptible to terrorist attacks that, god forbid, will be the source of unspeakable horrors and the end of America's reign as most powerful country in the world.
Is this what we want???? Is this the predicament in which we want to end up???? Because that's where we're going, people. You heard it here first--OVERPRICED STADIUM BEER WILL LEAD TO THE DOWNFALL OF OUR NATION, plain and simple. We must not let this aggression stand! Our Constitutional rights are at stake and it is our duty as Americans to question our government and stand up for what is just and in support of our general welfare. We must band together and launch outspoken campaigns against this continued treachery. We must show our elected representatives that it is time for a change, and that change is cheaper crappy stadium beer, the likes of which we would sooner use to cater a dingy college basement party (lord I miss those...). Change is on the horizon and happen it must!
If not us, who? If not now, when? It's your duty. As an American.
*All studies referenced in this article were performed by me and are not actually...real.
**Nope, not true.