Chuck E. Lamesauce

I recently attended a 4-year-old's birthday party at the place where a kid can be a kid.  You remember it fondly, I know...the games, the flashing lights, the tickets, the prizes.  And, of course, the ball pit!  You went and played some games and then, when it was time for pizza, soda, and birthday cake (the cornerstone of every kid's mid-afternoon meal), you went into the "theatre" and watched the entertaining albeit somewhat disturbing animatronic puppet show featuring Charles himself and the rest of the Cheese gang.  It was truly the best thing ever.  EVER.

So it is understandable that my expectations (and, perhaps, hopes and dreams) were dashed when I went to this birthday party and found, to my surprise, dismay, and disbelief that the Chuck E. Cheese I came to know and love through my formative years had changed almost beyond recognition.  Where there used to be a glittering row of skee ball machines, there was now a giant seating area for executing simultaneous birthday celebrations full of crazed ankle-biters set on running themselves into a state of extreme exhaustion until the pizza arrived.  Where there used to be a collection of level-based arcade games requiring a hint of skill and a touch of thought there was simply a bigger space for seizure-inducing "games of skill," spitting out tickets at any kid willing to donate a token or two...thousand (not to mention, I didn't see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game ANYWHERE.  For shame, C.E.C...for shame.).  There was no theatre.  There was no animatronic show.  There was **GASP!!!** NO BALL PIT!!!!

Even the pizza was different (and, yes, I am able to state that, confidently, after not having eaten it since my pre-pubescent years).  And, while all the little ones seemed to be having a great time running around like happy-go-lucky untamed sprites, I couldn't help but shed an invisible tear at fact that the kids of today will never experience the Chuck E. Cheese of yore.  Well, at least at the Gaithersburg, MD location.

Lame sauce, Good Sir Cheese...lame sauce.