Pity laugh-worthy, apparently

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop.  Asks the guy at the counter, "Can you make me one with everything?"

Get it?

Get it??

**awkward turtle**

Happy Hot Dog Man!!

It's Hump Day...and you know what that means!!!

http://www.happyhotdogman.com/

(Yeah, nothing to do with Wednesday at all)

Dirk Nowitzki...German craftsmanship at its finest

It's probably good this picture
cuts off mid-torso...

DIRK! NO! WIT! ZKI!

Clap! Clap! Clap Clap Clap!

DIRK! NO! WIT! ZKI!

Clap! Clap! Clap Clap Clap!

DIRK! NO! WIT! ZKI!

Clap! Clap! Clap Clap Clap!

If you asked me 3 weeks ago whether it was a possibility for me to cheer for a Dallas team, I would have laughed in your funny face.  Being a die-hard Redskins fan (yeah, no need to make fun...our record and reputation speak for themselves), it is in our BLOOD to hate Dallas teams.  Like, if you caught me off guard and jumped in front of me as I was rounding a corner and really quickly screamed out, "What do you hate???!" I would instinctively yell back "DALLAS!!!" like a reflexive, knee-jerk response before actually realizing what was going on.

So it came as quite a surprise that I woke up one morning and found I had a man-crush on Dirk Nowitzki of the Dallas Mavericks.  But, c'mon, is it really hard to see why?  The guy's awesome.  He plays fearless ball, makes shots that just should NOT go in (I mean, his style can only be categorized as "ugly" most of the time), and seems like an all-around nice guy.  Admittedly, I don't know anything about his history in the NBA...I really just jumped aboard the Dirk Wagon right before the finals started.  But I'm in for good.  He's a great player that definitely deserves all the accolades coming his way.  And when they win the championship over the Heat--oh, how sweet would that be, King James? huh?  HUH??--I'll be doing my Dirk chant from couch (probably to the chagrin of my Wife and Mom, seeing how they care as much about the NBA finals as they do about the controversy over Pluto's downgrade from "regular planet" to "dwarf planet").

And with that, I leave you with one final thought:

DIRK! NO! WIT! ZKI!

Clap! Clap! Clap Clap Clap!

Killer Veggies?

Felt the need to post this one...I trust the guy who wrote it and it seems like something of which we should be aware.

Plus, "Killer Veggies" was too good a subject line to pass up.

http://natural.getprograde.com/plastic-meal-containers.html?advert_id=steamers

OMG, I HATE COMCAST!!!

OMG, I HATE COMCAST!!!
OMG, I HATE COMCAST!!!
OMG, I HATE COMCAST!!!
OMG, I HATE COMCAST!!!
OMG, I HATE COMCAST!!!
OMG, I HATE COMCAST!!!
OMG, I HATE COMCAST!!!

I. HAAAAATE. COMCAST!!!!

Jag hatar Comcast!!!
Odio Comcast!!!
Ich hasse Comcast!!!
!!!Comcast אני שונא
Я ненавіджу Comcast!!!
Ik haat Comcast!!!
我恨康卡斯特!!!!!!
  

**hyperventilating.....calming......calming.....deeeep cleansing breath...**


I'm currently on hold with Comcast.  I've been dealing with this same problem for the past 6 months.  I'll spare you the details; I'll say only that it's a recurring problem that shouldn't be and I've had to call up customer service rep after customer service rep every month to fix their mistakes.  And I have to re-explain the whole freakin' story each damn time!  AND IT'S GETTING A LITTLE OLD!  WHERE ARE THE NOTES????  THEY SAID THERE'D BE NOTES IN MY ACCOUNT!!!  WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING MY ACCOUNT NUMBER SO YOU CAN PULL UP MY ACCOUNT IF, ULTIMATELY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WRITE ANYTHING ABOUT MY PROBLEM--WHICH I INFORMED YOU WAS RECURRING--IN MY ACCOUNT??!?!?!?!?!


**hyperventilating.....calming......calming.....deeeep cleansing breath...**



The part that really gets my goat is there's no recourse.  No accountability.  I sit here like a little BITCH reaching for the phone month after month--a combined look of melancholy and despair on my face as I contemplate the futile journey on which I'm about to embark--only to wait on hold for 15 minutes until some incompetent customer service rep who doesn't give a rat's ass about my frustration gets on the phone and, in a tone that can only be described as "I honestly care more about what happened last night on So You Think You Can Dance than your problem", tells me they emailed their supervisor--THE ONLY PERSON IN THE GOD LOVING WORLD WHO CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING, APPARENTLY--and I should wait to hear back from them when they read the email TOMORROW because THEY'VE ALREADY LEFT FOR THE DAY!!!!!!!!!


**hyperventilating.....calming......calming.....deeeep cleansing breath...**


You know what this is?  This is a civil rights violation.  It's a freakin' violation of our civil rights!  To have to go through this process every time we need assistance with the oft-busted services Comcast provides??  We should not have to suffer through this indignity--we're Americans!  Land of the Free!  Home of the Brave!  Country of choices and liberties and more channels than, at which, we can shake a stick!!  It is not ours to be subject to fierce and uncompromising incompetency and frustration in order to maintain a right for which we pay!!!!

...did I mention I'm still on hold?

Yes, I could leave Comcast.  And I very well might, one of these days.  But for now, I'm going to fight.  I'm going to fight b/c I am a paying customer and HUMAN BEING that is owed a certain level of satisfaction and have come too far to bow out now.  I was promised something, and I want them to make good on that promise.  It's only just.  And justice is non-negotiable.

And, btw, Comcast...your hold music SUCKS.

Big Willie Style

This. Is. Awesome.
All you a cappella haters out there...this might just convert you.

iRetro

This is awesome.  It's an iPhone cover.  Funny (sobering?) to think about the fact that many younger iPhone users today have never seen the original.

http://www.modcloth.com/storefront/products/search/keyword/standing-ovation?fs=true

Schwarzenhumpah

Why is the recent news of Schwarzy's love child such a surprise to everyone???  The man famously compared lifting weights and being on stage for bodybuilding competitions to EJACULATING, for the love of god!  He was basically one walking hard-on for the majority of his adult life.  Is it really that hard to believe that ol' Arnie fell off the monogamy wagon 10 years ago?

I think some of the surprise stems from the image the Govuhnator has portrayed in some of his later movies...that of the lovable, gentle-giant, protector father-figure.  You can't deny that the Terminator probably sperminated every woman to cross his path (ahhh, Ms. Connor...the one that got away...).  But Detective John Kimble would have NEVER cheated on Joyce with another woman.  And Howard Langston (from Jingle All The Way--in case you weren't aware, having been one of the BILLION people who chose to do something remotely productive with their lives rather than sit through that movie) had a dedication to his wife and son that would have never allowed for infidelity.  And look at his character in Last Action Hero!...no, seriously, check it out, b/c I definitely never saw that piece of--

I'm not condoning the activity by any stretch of the imagination...I'm just a little confused as to why people are sitting around with their jaws dropped over someone who probably humped the crap out of a heavy bag between squat sets at the gym.  Have you SEEN Conan The Barbarian??  He punched a camel!!  Ok, that has nothing to do with anything...just happen to love that scene :)

Or maybe it does...  I mean, can you really lug around that much testosterone for that long and not...well...EXPLODE (for lack of a better word)?  I'm kind of glad he only fathered an illegitimate child these past many years as opposed to doing things like strangling the mailman in a fit of blind rage after realizing his 20% off Bed, Bath, & Beyond coupon hadn't arrived yet!  This is a powerful man we're talking about here...he could have done some serious damage.  Perhaps we should be thanking his baby mamma for keeping him "off the streets," shall we say.

Sorry, Maria...I can feel your stare penetrating my soul...

Featured Video About Having Sex Of The Day

Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina. Do the math.

Dancin' to the Oldies

Um....WHAT??

Mixed Bag

-MD Gov. Martin O'Malley signed a bill today that legalized possession and use of marijuana for medicinal purposes.  It did NOT, however, legalize shops in which one can buy the marijuana (like those in CA).  And shady-ass dealers with guns everywhere let out a cheer!  *sigh*  Btw, hear me now: BUY STOCK IN Frito-Lay IMMEDIATELY.  As more and more states sign similar laws legalizing use and sale of marijuana, we step closer to full-on legalization.  And when that happens, you know what comes next: CHEETOS-CITY, BABY!!!  Just a matter of time, mark my words.

-If you haven't watched The Kennedys, get on it.  Great mini-series.  Barry Pepper is sick as Bobby K.  Discuss.

-All I'm saying, penis-enlargement spam, is that if I would ever consider lengthening the Lil' General, I'd probably go with a doctor that uses proper grammar in his advertisements.  Just sayin'.

-This SUCKS:

He Who's Birth Certificate Shall Not Be Named

For geeky awesomeness, click here:
https://twitter.com/#!/lord_voldemort7/status/67698361708462080

(thanks to Mark Shabason aka Big Dawg aka Mr. NYC aka Penny's Bitch)

Damn you, Royal Wedding!

Uch.  I was doing such a good job of NOT falling victim to the hype, pomp, frills, and general ridiculosity of this monarchical matrimonial mess.  Until this morning.  Over a bowl of Giant-brand raisin bran crunch I went to my iPhone, opened my CNN app (I swear this is not an advertisement), and watched as droves of wide-eyed wedding lackeys packed in like sardines in front of Buckingham Palace to await the "first kiss."  It was all very Beatlesmania and I really couldn't have cared less.

But my interest was peaked when the Bride and Groom emerged to greet their public and Kate--a newcomer to royal living-- was visibly taken back by the crowd at her doorstep.  It was only for a second, but her facial expression said it all.  And that got me thinking: Man, it must be absolutely NUTS to become part of the royal family.  Especially for a "commoner" like herself (and please don't get me started on the antiquated terms and practices of British society...I've got too much else to do today...).

Since I was a wee laddie I've always wanted to be in the celebrity limelight.  But the ROYAL limelight is different, methinks, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want any of it.  Not only are you, undoubtedly, hounded by paparazzi and under constant scrutiny by...well...everyone in your kingdom, but you also have to hold yourself to a very high standard of propriety.  All the time.  You can't go out to a dingy college party, do a few beer bongs and keg stands, puke in an alley while peeing on yourself, then have sex with a random before doing the walk-of-shame via 7-11 for some taquitos (I love Tuesdays).  You must be proper.  VERY proper.  AT ALL TIMES.  24/7/365.  And that just doesn't sound appealing to me--even with all the riches and fame and glory and personal drivers and yadda yadda yadda.  Not saying I'm trying to hit up Old Schoolesque keggers every weekend (*sigh*).  But in watching the newly-ordained Duchess of Cambridge stand above the masses in her lovely wedding gown, I couldn't help but wonder if she was truly prepared for a lifetime of rigid posture and polite smiles.

Or is that just being British, generally? (HEYO!!  Just kidding, my crumpeted brethren.)

Really? I mean...REALLY?

I was driving down the ol' highway today when someone driving a less-than-amazingly preserved once-gold Honda Accord from what had to be the early 90s cut me off.  It was definitely their bad...I was going the speed limit(ish), they decided to scoot over a lane at the last second without signaling...I was totally "in the right" and they were totally "in the wrong." (excessive use of quotes, much?)

So, I was particularly perplexed when the driver of said beautiful golden Honda HONKED AND THEN FLICKED ME OFF!  Wha??  REALLY??  Haven't check the books in a while, but I'm fairly certain that societal norms delegate the right of bird distribution to the cutoffee, not the cutoffer.  In what unevolved, crusty, cottage cheese-filled part of that person's mind did they feel entitled to get angry at me, the law abiding traveler?

I continued down the road in awe of both the situation and their car, itself, deciding to let this one go instead of following my heart, slamming my foot down on the gas, and playing "fender make-out session" with my golden friend.  Your welcome, whoever you are.  You're welcome.

Top 5

Most Annoying Phone-Based Customer Service Practices/Tendencies (in no particular order)

1) The "I'm more than happy to help you with that today."

Oh, are you?  Well, thank you for being so happy to help!  I realize I was impinging on your free time with my frivolous request, so the fact that you're not only willing to help but HAPPY to help really brightens up my otherwise dreary day.  Thank you for letting me know you're HAPPY TO HELP.

First of all, you're damn right you're more than happy to help...you're CUSTOMER SERVICE...IT'S YOUR FUNCTION.  What, is there a chance you're not going to help?  Or, better even, are you going to do it grudgingly??  Is there a chance you're gonna be slightly peeved to assist me in that matter...or, perchance, you're just a bit ambivalent with a side of melancholy at the thought of helping me with my problem that YOUR COMPANY CREATED?  There is no option of being RUDE to the customer (except if you work for Comcast in Maryland, where I'm pretty sure it's written in the employee handbook next to "Must be incompetent, inconsistent, or both to work here") and I'm already pissed off because of whatever reason I have to call customer service in the first place, so your scripted "happy to help" assurance is going to do NOTHING but fuel my preexisting desire to hurt someone.  Save it, broham.


2) Comments they make to make you think they are empathetic towards your situation.

Example:
Me: Hi, I'm no longer a customer and see there's a positive balance/refund on my account.  I'd like to get it back in the form of a check, please.
CustServRep: Haha, well, that's completely understandable...I know I'd appreciate that money back in my pocket as well.*

HAHA, yeah, I bet you would.  That's funny.  We're friends now.  You know what else is funny...they fact that you've now just wasted 10 more seconds of my valuable time by assuring me that my desire to be made financially whole is valid.  Again, THANK YOU.

*This comment is typically followed with a "I'm more than happy to help you with that today, let me just pull up your account"...which segues perfectly into the next annoying tendency...


3) The Play-By-Play Narrative

The needless explanation of every step they're doing as they go.

Example:
Me: Hi...(yadda yadda yadda)...please.
CustServRep: Ok, I'm bring up your account......now I'm checking to see your history......yup, there it is, exactly what you just said......mmhm, ok, I'm just looking at the notes on your account......yup, I see what you mentioned.......ok, I just have to enter in some information......and there we go, just need to verify your--YOU GET THE POINT.


4) The Long Goodbye recap statement

Possibly my least favorite.  By this time, you've had absolutely enough.  Either the problem is solved in your favor and you just want to get on with your day, or the problem is solved in their favor and you don't want to hear their evil voice anymore, or the problem isn't solved and you've been on the phone arguing for so long you are just spent and done.  But, like a lurking sea monster, lying in wait until the moment is right, it emerges from the deep:

"Ok, just to recap we've [insert unnecessarily long "summary" of what they've done since you've been on the phone].  Thank you for contacting X company where customer service is our priority.  I hope I've helped you resolve your issue today and we at X company appreciate your continued service..." (it's at this point I usually hit myself over the head, repeatedly, with the receiver or any nearby blunt instrument until I pass out from the pain/exhaustion).


5) The Satisfaction Survey

"Hi, would you mind staying on the line after your issue is resolved to take a 2-minute satisfaction survey that will provide feedback to our customer service staff to..."

Oh, how I loathe thee, satisfaction survey.  It's practically a smack in the face.  Or a testicle flick.  You've already been subject to the "I'm more than happy" followed up by a "play-by-play" and then a "long goodbye"...NOW they want you to stay on the line to provide an anonymous account of their inadequacy as a customer service team to, typically, an automated robot voice that will, undoubtedly, never actually prompt change or, better yet, a staff member to be tarred and feathered?

*************************************
Epilogue: This post was written from experience.  Lots and lots of unfortunate experience with cable and phone companies, predominantly.  Now, I understand that not all customer service teams were created equally and there are, assuredly, competent reps out there.  I also understand that a lot of the dialogue described above is required of the reps via their company's customer service procedures.  However, after spending the past many years arguing with uncompromisingly incompetent rubes, my stance is securely anchored in the above diatribe and I invite any and all reps reading this post (and the companies for which they work) to attempt to tilt my scales in the opposite direction via satisfying future customer service experiences.

And now that I've said all that, I'm sure karma will ensure that my next job will be in a customer service call center.  If you get me on the phone, save yourself the pain and hang up immediately.