1) The "I'm more than happy to help you with that today."
Oh, are you? Well, thank you for being so happy to help! I realize I was impinging on your free time with my frivolous request, so the fact that you're not only willing to help but HAPPY to help really brightens up my otherwise dreary day. Thank you for letting me know you're HAPPY TO HELP.
First of all, you're damn right you're more than happy to help...you're CUSTOMER SERVICE...IT'S YOUR FUNCTION. What, is there a chance you're not going to help? Or, better even, are you going to do it grudgingly?? Is there a chance you're gonna be slightly peeved to assist me in that matter...or, perchance, you're just a bit ambivalent with a side of melancholy at the thought of helping me with my problem that YOUR COMPANY CREATED? There is no option of being RUDE to the customer (except if you work for Comcast in Maryland, where I'm pretty sure it's written in the employee handbook next to "Must be incompetent, inconsistent, or both to work here") and I'm already pissed off because of whatever reason I have to call customer service in the first place, so your scripted "happy to help" assurance is going to do NOTHING but fuel my preexisting desire to hurt someone. Save it, broham.
2) Comments they make to make you think they are empathetic towards your situation.
Example:
Me: Hi, I'm no longer a customer and see there's a positive balance/refund on my account. I'd like to get it back in the form of a check, please.
CustServRep: Haha, well, that's completely understandable...I know I'd appreciate that money back in my pocket as well.*
HAHA, yeah, I bet you would. That's funny. We're friends now. You know what else is funny...they fact that you've now just wasted 10 more seconds of my valuable time by assuring me that my desire to be made financially whole is valid. Again, THANK YOU.
*This comment is typically followed with a "I'm more than happy to help you with that today, let me just pull up your account"...which segues perfectly into the next annoying tendency...
3) The Play-By-Play Narrative
The needless explanation of every step they're doing as they go.
Example:
Me: Hi...(yadda yadda yadda)...please.
CustServRep: Ok, I'm bring up your account...
4) The Long Goodbye recap statement
Possibly my least favorite. By this time, you've had absolutely enough. Either the problem is solved in your favor and you just want to get on with your day, or the problem is solved in their favor and you don't want to hear their evil voice anymore, or the problem isn't solved and you've been on the phone arguing for so long you are just spent and done. But, like a lurking sea monster, lying in wait until the moment is right, it emerges from the deep:
"Ok, just to recap we've [insert unnecessarily long "summary" of what they've done since you've been on the phone]. Thank you for contacting X company where customer service is our priority. I hope I've helped you resolve your issue today and we at X company appreciate your continued service..." (it's at this point I usually hit myself over the head, repeatedly, with the receiver or any nearby blunt instrument until I pass out from the pain/exhaustion).
5) The Satisfaction Survey
"Hi, would you mind staying on the line after your issue is resolved to take a 2-minute satisfaction survey that will provide feedback to our customer service staff to..."
Oh, how I loathe thee, satisfaction survey. It's practically a smack in the face. Or a testicle flick. You've already been subject to the "I'm more than happy" followed up by a "play-by-play" and then a "long goodbye"...NOW they want you to stay on the line to provide an anonymous account of their inadequacy as a customer service team to, typically, an automated robot voice that will, undoubtedly, never actually prompt change or, better yet, a staff member to be tarred and feathered?
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Epilogue: This post was written from experience. Lots and lots of unfortunate experience with cable and phone companies, predominantly. Now, I understand that not all customer service teams were created equally and there are, assuredly, competent reps out there. I also understand that a lot of the dialogue described above is required of the reps via their company's customer service procedures. However, after spending the past many years arguing with uncompromisingly incompetent rubes, my stance is securely anchored in the above diatribe and I invite any and all reps reading this post (and the companies for which they work) to attempt to tilt my scales in the opposite direction via satisfying future customer service experiences.
And now that I've said all that, I'm sure karma will ensure that my next job will be in a customer service call center. If you get me on the phone, save yourself the pain and hang up immediately.
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