Schwarzenhumpah

Why is the recent news of Schwarzy's love child such a surprise to everyone???  The man famously compared lifting weights and being on stage for bodybuilding competitions to EJACULATING, for the love of god!  He was basically one walking hard-on for the majority of his adult life.  Is it really that hard to believe that ol' Arnie fell off the monogamy wagon 10 years ago?

I think some of the surprise stems from the image the Govuhnator has portrayed in some of his later movies...that of the lovable, gentle-giant, protector father-figure.  You can't deny that the Terminator probably sperminated every woman to cross his path (ahhh, Ms. Connor...the one that got away...).  But Detective John Kimble would have NEVER cheated on Joyce with another woman.  And Howard Langston (from Jingle All The Way--in case you weren't aware, having been one of the BILLION people who chose to do something remotely productive with their lives rather than sit through that movie) had a dedication to his wife and son that would have never allowed for infidelity.  And look at his character in Last Action Hero!...no, seriously, check it out, b/c I definitely never saw that piece of--

I'm not condoning the activity by any stretch of the imagination...I'm just a little confused as to why people are sitting around with their jaws dropped over someone who probably humped the crap out of a heavy bag between squat sets at the gym.  Have you SEEN Conan The Barbarian??  He punched a camel!!  Ok, that has nothing to do with anything...just happen to love that scene :)

Or maybe it does...  I mean, can you really lug around that much testosterone for that long and not...well...EXPLODE (for lack of a better word)?  I'm kind of glad he only fathered an illegitimate child these past many years as opposed to doing things like strangling the mailman in a fit of blind rage after realizing his 20% off Bed, Bath, & Beyond coupon hadn't arrived yet!  This is a powerful man we're talking about here...he could have done some serious damage.  Perhaps we should be thanking his baby mamma for keeping him "off the streets," shall we say.

Sorry, Maria...I can feel your stare penetrating my soul...