Compliments That Aren't

You are sexy like houndstooth.

You make me feel as good as when I get a decent, inexpensive haircut.

I love your taste in Internet service providers.

You make me want to be a better farmer.

When I see you from across the room, I don't feel compelled to leave.

You're so smart, you should work for a large electronics chain.

If you emailed me, I'd respond as soon as was convenient.

You make me want to play chess.