Taurus is the new Gemini...or IS it? ~or~ DEAR GOD MY LIFE IS A HEAPING MESS OF ASTROLOGICAL CONFUSION

Message to all you Zodiac'ers out there:

REMAIN CALM!  ALL IS WELL!

Seriously...it's going to be alright.  You're still going to wake up tomorrow.  The world isn't coming to an end--well, not until next year, that is.  You're not a different person than you were last week.  You don't have to switch out your wardrobe and reevaluate your mp3 collection and sell your dog.  It's going to be OK.

All this ridiculousness over the changing Zodiac signs is giving me a freakin' stress headache.  I mean, I knew, before the announcement, that some people put a lot of stock into their daily predictions/affirmations/OVERLY-VAGUE PERSONALITY DESCRIPTIONS.  But after reading a few too many post-article comments left by worried, lost, and otherwise terrified individuals proclaiming their "identity" would always and forever be [insert your sign here], it has become apparent to me that society is about as stable as Amy Winehouse's blood toxicity level.  What does it say about our state of affairs when an alarming number of us base our day's decisions around a non-committal, 50-word blurb?  Just for shits and giggles, I took a gander at today's sage wisdom from Horoscope.com:

This should be a stimulating day, Gemini. The possibility of a journey might arise unexpectedly. This could be exciting as some close friends or a romantic partner might accompany you. A new turn in your intellectual or spiritual interests could have your mind going a thousand miles an hour. You will want to learn more about it. The Internet could have useful information. Make the most of it.

WOW.  I don't know about you, but I'm floored.  Miss Cleo couldn't have predicted it any better. Let's break it down.  I did go to the bathroom a time or two more than usual...would that be considered a journey? (don't worry, the Wife didn't accompany me)  And, come to think of it, I'm pretty sure my intellectual interests peaked a bit when someone told me about their obsession with the guy from the UPS commercials earlier today.  Oh, and the Internet having useful information?  Was anyone else aware of this???  All in all, a STIMULATING day.

Obviously, I'm laying down the sarcasm with a thickness.  But people get seriously LOONEY over this stuff!  Basing interactions...choices...relationships on this drivel??!  My friend, if you're reassessing your compatibility with your spouse because you just were "downgraded" to a Leo, well, I only wish I was the shrink that is undoubtedly gonna make BANK from your impending existential crisis.

Ok, wasn't going to, but here's one more from the Washington Post: (I won't comment on it...but you GOTTA read it.  It's ridonkey.)

Put on your Sherlock Holmes cap, get out your spare magnifying glass and call up whomever it is who plays Watson in your life: Today you've got a mystery to solve! Whether it's work-related or a purely personal matter, you're going to have to pay close attention to all the pertinent details. And remember, once you've ruled out everything that's impossible, whatever remains, however implausible, must be the answer.

It was later revealed that--GADZOOKS!!!--your sign didn't necessarily change depending on which Zodiac you follow!  Yup, that's right, there are two, count 'em, TWO different Zodiac systems: tropical and sidereal.  Who knew?!  So unless you follow that ol' Eastern, constellation-based organizational scheme, take a deep cleansing breath you Pisces-tattooed hipster...you're in the clear.

In closing, the Wife was a bit perturbed to find out that her sign is now Ophiuchus.  I call her Octopoopus.