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| Seriously...who wants a hug? |
Today is National Hug Your Boss Day. I'm not sure who invented this...special? day, but I'm gonna place bets that it
wasn't a boss. I mean, while office mates are often friends, public displays of affection are typically frowned upon in the workplace. After all, a hug isn't just a simple handshake/highfive/fistbump... hugging is some serious bodily interaction. I mean, we're talkin' chest-to-chest friction here, people--that's an intimate maneuver often reserved for family, close friends, those with whom you just shared a traumatic experience, and the occasional stripper. This whole concept is just asking for trouble...and, more importantly, extreme awkwardness.
I've grouped the people who will hug their boss today into the following categories and included their RAL (Relative Awkward Level, 1-100) Score--see where you fit in:
A)
The Overenthusiastic Hugger -- This is the employee who is really excited about NHYBD (National Hug Your Boss Day). I mean...
really excited. Like, they were the first one to remind you about NHYBD...last week. They'll jump on the boss first chance they get, taking the boss off-guard and forcing them to immediately assess the situation, let out a "Whoa!" with an uncomfortable, acquiescing laugh, and hug back politely.
RAL: 72
B)
The Reluctant Hugger -- You know who this person is. The timid guy/gal. The one who buries themselves in their cubicle and only emerges to answer nature's call and at closing time. They don't "get" when the boss is being sarcastic in telling them they'll need to come in on Saturday AND Sunday until it is later explained to them. The Reluctant Hugger wants to hug the boss, but is afraid. They will, upon learning of NHYBD, approach the boss as if they were about to enter the Octagon with a drunk and disgruntled Ken Shamrock, extend their arms slightly, and raise their shoulders/eyebrows in question just enough to warrant the boss walking over and returning the hug.
Very unnatural.
RAL: 49
C)
The Joking-and-later-Regretful Hugger -- my personal favorite. This involves the office clown; the guy who's always cracking--and usually laughing at--his own jokes (and, yes, more often than not, this one will be a guy). This joker is the king of the famous "handshake invite retraction surprise" whereby one extends his arm for a handshake and then, when the subject reaches out, he whips his open hand up to the side of his head and goes, "HaHO! GOTcha!" and stands there grinning like an ass for 10 minutes. Upon learning of NHYBD, he loudly announces, "Hey, it's National Hug Your Boss Day!!" and jokingly feigns giving the boss a hug..only be caught off guard by the boss (also, typically, in this situation, a man) who proceeds to lock the J.A.L.R. Hugger in a big ol' smelly manwich (usually accompanied by a hearty man-laugh, an audible "grrrrr," and transfer of shirt sweat). At this point, the joker, visibly mortified that he's nipple jousting with his boss, begins to deeply regret his decision and is left standing there with a look of incredulity on his face as the rest of the office retreats back to their desk, equally traumatized.
RAL: 88
D)
The Spiteful Hugger -- perhaps the least awkward of the hugging scenarios, but not unworthy of a mention. This is the hugger who doesn't particularly like the boss, but wants to ensure their success in the company and, therefore, goes along with the boss' whims, wearing a phony smirk on their face and muttering insults behind the boss' back. They consider themselves vastly-underpaid and are pretty sure they could do the boss' job better than the boss. The Spiteful Hugger will go hug the boss...but they won't like it, damn it! And they'll hug extra long and hard, too, just so the boss KNOWS they're the best hugger in the office and they should definitely get that raise come their next review. In fact, in hugging
so thoroughly, the Spiteful Hugger won't realize they've hugged for
too long and the boss has already released his/her arms and relaxed their muscles, ready to move on. By the time the Spiteful Hugger realizes they've overclung, it's already too late.
Awkward Turtle, anyone?
RAL: 35
Ladies and gentlemen, if there's one take-away from this post, it is this: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ABSTAIN FROM HUGGING YOUR BOSS. It'll save you and everyone around you an unnecessarily awkward moment. If you need that kind of discomfort in your life, do what my brother did and watch Borat with your elderly, conservative, foreign-born grandparents. But, on this National Hug Your Boss Day and all that come after, do the right thing: keep your subordinate hands to yourself!
