Foxy

The Wife thinks that Sam Trammell from True Blood looks like the Car Fox...you be the judge.

Uch, just SO good...

A power ballad, the might of which is only bested by the 80s-awesomeness of its video...

Ladies and gentlemen, When You Close Your Eyes by NIGHT RANGER.

Beernorah

Great googily moogily!  Apparently someone who shares my love of both craft beer and the Festival of Lights made this latkelicious menorah.  Shmaltz Brewing Company (the makers of HE'BREW) pump out some good suds, if you've never tried them.  And, apparently, their bottles make for great candlesticks.  Anyway, just thought it was cool--not to mention wonderfully inappropriate that there's a little kid behind looking in awe.  That's right, Mom and Dad, start 'em young.

Now You're A Man!

Just because.

MIXED BAG: Vampires/Tea Bagging/Almost Famous Edition

This weekend I bore witness to the newest installment of the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn Pt. 1.  No, I didn't go willingly; I was stealthy guilted into it by my Wife, who's birthday was this weekend and who definitely used it against me (rest assured, husbands of the world...she will suffer greatly.  I will see it done).  Now, I'm not in the business of baseless disparagement...so, luckily, this next comment comes with a great deal of factual foundation: THE TWILIGHT MOVIES ARE SO, SO, SO, DOUBLE-SO BAD.  Watching them makes me sink into a state of awed, depressive frustration so much so that I have to consciously remind myself that people--not to mention my perception of modern day vampires--are not actually that ridiculous, lest I walk out of the movie theatre and impale myself on the nearest rusty spike.

Now, I will admit--and please know I say this with immeasurable amounts of self-loathing--that having seen the rest of the series, this installment is by far the best.  But understand that this doesn't speak to the greatness of this particular movie, rather the inaneness of the others.  The acting--to use the term loosely--is only debased by the scripting (oy vey) which, in turn, suffers at the hand of some seriously contrived plot lines.  Each movie is 90+ minutes of eye and ear-burning pain; basically, it is the cinematic equivalent of being tied to a chair while someone who just ate their weight in Chipotle farts into a ziplock bag and then fastens it, securely, over your head.

Moving on: The 2011 Video Game Awards.  Awesomeness.  Dorky and wonderful all at the same time.  Even if you're not a fan of video games--and for that, by the way, you should be cast into a fiery, Balrog-infested chasm--the annual VGAs are pretty damn entertaining.  Especially with this year's inclusion of a new notification system for when a winner's speech has gone on too long (see below).  Props to Bethesda Game Studio's The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim for taking home the Game Of The Year award.  Just thought I'd share

Finally, saw Kaleigh Baker live at Naks by the Tracks in Exeter, PA.  If any of you have the opportunity to see her, DO IT...she is phenomenal.  And the sax player that accompanied her was equally as stirring (ach, sorry, my man...don't remember your name!)  It was pretty outstanding, though...his saxamaphoning provided a perfect harmony to her Janis-like vocals.  And the intimate, smoky bar setting couldn't have been a more perfect venue.  Check her out...she is big-time talent.

Sam Adams' Utopias aka How I Spent My 401k

Sounds WAY too good to pass up.  Except that it's monster expensive.  I'll just sit here and salivate for now...

http://thefullpint.com/beer-reviews/samuel-adams-utopias?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Thefullpintcom+%28thefullpint.com+-+Beer+News%2C+Reviews+and+Event+Coverage%29

The SECOND most important reason you shouldn't have sex with animals...

(**not going to address the 2-month hiatus...just going to continue on like it never happened**)

You know me, I hate to be a party pooper.  But, yes, it pains me--literally--to report that a new study has confirmed that doing the wild monkey dance with, well, actual monkeys, for example, can lead to penis cancer.  No longer is bestiality frowned-upon from simply a moral standpoint, but now there are health-related repercussions.  Which, of course, takes ALL the fun out of it.  What sort of cruel trick is this, lord??  You put these animals on this earth--lookin' all sexy and whatnot, grazing on grass and eatin' slop and poopin' all over the place--and then throw THIS udderly horrible consequence into the mix?!  Wow, NOT cool.

So, sorry, gents...if you didn't have enough reason before not to hump up on Gertrude-the-unassuming-sheep, now's the time to put away those velcro gloves and peanut butter and concentrate on human-only romantic conquests.  Realizing, though, that some men just won't be satisfied by your average human female sexual encounter, I have populated a list of...add-ons, if you will, that might make the transition to homo-sapien love-making that much smoother:

1) Fill your bed with hay and flies

2) While in the act, have your mate chew on some cud

3) Do it in a field (preferably with a dirty ol' farmer watching from his window)

4) Find a way to integrate a saddle and, if at all possible, a brand iron

5) Replace "oh yeah, baby" and "mmmmmm" with "MOOOOO!" and that "hee-haw" sound a donkey makes that, coincidentally, sounds just like Forrest Gump's Mom in that scene where she's proving to the principal she's willing to "do all she can for her son's education."

Give them a try, ya know, how could it hurt? (Well, admittedly, #4 could hurt...)  But, desperate times call for desperate measures.  And, up against the risk of penis cancer, these options might be the only safe way to sooth that savage call-of-the-wild that exists within every man.

Not a sermon, just a thought.  Moo.

What Happens When Beer and Technology Make Babies

Dogfish Head and Google--an unlikely pairing and, yet, similar in creativity and innovation--have teamed up to make a beer who's mystery is only exceeded by its power (...where's your car, dude?).  The new brew, URKontinent, will consist of:

Pilsner, Munich and Chocolate Malts and Belgian Dark Candi syrup. Then we add unique ingredients from around the world. Wattleseed from Australia imparts a chocolate, coffee, and hazelnut taste to the beer. Toasted Amaranth from South America gives it an earthy, grainy flavor and a little additional roast flavor. Green Rooibos from Africa contributes a floral aroma and slight astringency. Myrica Gale from Europe supplements the bitterness from minimal hopping. Hive Plex Honey from California adds a subtle sweetness while maintaining the dry finish.

What's next, an app that let's you sample the suds via your smartphone?  (sorry, Android, you're cool...but not THAT cool :) )

http://phandroid.com/2011/09/30/google-teams-up-with-dogfish-head-for-the-nexus-of-beers-urkontinent/

Reality hits you hard, bro!

Keanu would be proud.  Whoaaaa! (think Bill & Ted).  Can we find this guy and party with him???  Only if he wears his hat, though.

And, btw, this is REAL.

My Reebok Pumps did NOT do that!

THIS IS SIIIIIIIIIIIICK.  It's over 5 min long...but watch the whole thing.  It's unreal--this guy has got crazy talent.

And, at 4:13 your head actually explodes.

KISS MY GRITS!

Hot DAMN!  I just had my first grits experience...how long have these wonderful little things been around??  How long have I been ignorant of their awesomeness??  Admittedly, I had the Quaker Oats version...but, the "real" version (sorry, Mr. Quaker) can only be as good or better, right?

Might have to schedule a lil' trip down south just to get my grit on--who's with me?  A Grits Tour of the gulf region?  Yeah, boyee!

In honor of my newly-discovered love of grits, may it please the court:

(this clip isn't grit-related...just 10 min of MCV gold)

Donut-Eating Motherf...

Cops are necessary , like it or not.  People are dumb, people are mean; cops are there (in theory) to provide bumpers to the bowling lanes that are our lives.  The fact that they usually roll up swinging their giant, oversized wangs is a different story--we need them around until our society evolves to one more like, I dunno, Hobbits' (eat, drink, smile, pass out, repeat).

But one police tendency that really grinds my gears is when a cop pulls over a speeder on a heavily-trafficked road with no shoulders.  Like, I dunno, THIS MORNING.  Driving to work, I pulled onto the same three-lane road I traverse daily when I hit (metaphorically) an unexpectedly thick wall of traffic.  Immediately, I figured someone had gotten into an accident.  And, naturally, the first things to pop into my head were the usual thoughts of frustration and disdain at those who caused the backup, hoping their car was crushed to an unintelligible flaming pulp (but, of course, that everyone involved in the accident escaped unscathed--I'm not that evil...).  So it only added fuel to the fire when I got close enough to see it was not, in fact, an accident, but some selfish, unthinking, mindless, cruller-face with a badge and a gun who had, in their INFINITE wisdom, pulled someone over in the middle of the morning rush, a mere 100 feet from an intersection from which they could have turned off and not disrupted my commute.

But, nay, why not just stop in the middle of a main road??  Let's just cause more backup and raise the potential for accidents by performing a procedure designed to make the road safer in the STUPIDEST way possible.  Cop, I understand that you felt the need to add some excitement to your otherwise uneventful morning by pulling someone over who was probably going 5 mph over the limit...but c'mon, man!  Use your brain!!  While there is, undoubtedly, a reason you're on the beat instead of doing some awesome Law&Order-type stuff, I'm pretty sure that, in the mental battle of "should I cause a lot of unnecessary traffic OR direct the car I'm pulling over to turn off at the next cross street?" you have the ability to make the logical choice.  I guarantee you, the extra 20 seconds would not have taken away from the time you normally devote to driving while talking on your cell phone, playing on your laptop, or scratching yourself.  Really, no skin off your back...

Thank you, Officer Einstein, for burning 10 minutes of my life.  I'll be sure to remember this next time I'm solicited by your fraternal order.

PS - Spell check did not recognize "wangs."  Unacceptable, Google...just unacceptable.

A Cuban Intrusion

Mark Cuban recently underwent a procedure dreaded by men everywhere but VERY important in preventing cancer and getting all kinds of crazy paraphernalia out of your tubes, ya freakin' garbage disposal, ya.  I thought it was an interesting, entertaining post that dispelled some of the myths associated with colonoscopies (i.e. they hurt, they're scary, they don't buy you dinner first) and decided to feature it as my first guest post--albeit unbeknownst to Mr. Cuban.  Mr. Cuban, thanks for the unintentional contribution...I'd love to sit down for a FROBlog interview and cigar whenever you have a free minute :)

****************************************************

My Colonoscopy

Jun 14th 2007 11:20AM

I usually don’t talk about personal issues, but I thought this was important to share.

I’m getting to that age where it pays to be proactive and start getting tested for the myriad of things that can go wrong with my body. One of the things I wanted to get over with is a check for colon cancer. Although I’m officially younger than the “suggested age” for a colonoscopy, I wanted to get it out of the way. I had read and heard too many stories about people who found polyps and how if “they had only caught them a little sooner” it would be no big deal to remove them. So I set my appointment and went for it.

Like every guy, the thought of being violated by a long tube is at the very bottom of the list of things I want to do on a summer day. I could live with having to take all the laxatives that lead up to the procedure, That’s just more time to get my reading done. But the tube up the outdoor, that’s scary.

Well this morning was the morning. I had officially lost 4 pounds to the laxative over the past 24 hours and was surprisingly not hungry after going without food for the past 24 hours as I got to the hospital at the prime time of 7am.

I was definitely nervous. Despite doctors and nurses telling me it would be a breeze, I was naturally skeptical.
A breeze was an overstatement. I can honestly say that if it made medical sense to get one done every year, i would have no problem with it. It was easy and breezy.

Once I got into the Gastro Room where they did these, they told me that they were going to knock me out, and I would get a nap and wake up like nothing happened . They were right. One minute Im talking rugby, the next I’m waking up, picking up the conversation where I left off and being told to “dispell the air in my system”.

No where else can you rip off some huge farts and have 3 nurses and a doctor, while maintaining a very professional demeanor, tell you that you aren’t done yet and demand that you let loose a few more. Then it was up to get dressed and out the door so my wife could give me a ride home.

Now, about an hour later I’m obviously back at it.

I’m writing this post because I hated the fact that I was afraid of getting a colonoscopy. It honestly scared me. I don’t like hospitals. I don’t like entries into exit lanes and its scary as shit that they could find something. In other words I was a pussy when I shouldn’t have been.

Bottomline is that your life just might depend on getting tested for colon cancer. There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. It's truly easy and breezy. Do it.

Those with insulated upper lips, lend me your ears!!

Moustachioed brethren, hear me now!! (or rather, just see below) 

There's a casting call going on for those sporting lip ticklers and soup strainers of all kinds...and the deadline is this Wednesday (the 7th).  If you're currently 'stached or have sported some lip plumage in the past, send pictures to the email address listed below and maybe YOU will be selected to be featured in a national commercial!

KANKLES!!!!

Sweet Mary Mother of God.  Who let these kankles out of their cage?  They're GLORIOUS!

The MD Renaissance Festival plays host to many an
enlarged body part...often to the detriment of those with working eyeballs.