The Mouth Doth Water

I have been talking about craft beer--a lot about Dogfish Head, specifically--with my work buddies for the past week or so and, frankly, I think I have a serious case of Beer Brain: a consequence of continual beer chat whereby the brain's beer neurons fire relentlessly at the salivary glands, producing persistent, excessive salivation and a recurrent desire to hit up the local watering hole.  I'm hard at work on a cure...and I see that the good folks at The Bruery and Dogfish Head are, too; click the link below to check out the two innovative beer makers' latest crack at sudsy wonderment:

http://thefullpint.com/beer-reviews/the-bruerydogfish-head-faster-bigger-better-bolder?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Thefullpintcom+%28thefullpint.com+-+Beer+News%2C+Reviews+and+Event+Coverage%29

Shameless Loser

I may have mentioned it in a previous post, but The Biggest Loser is...**ahem**...a guilty pleasure of mine.  Not the entirety of each season, but moreso when it gets down to about 10-12 people and the flabulicious drama really starts to simmer.  Honestly, there are parts of the show that I truly can't stand; for instance, after the weigh-in when they go into what I like to call "The Crying Room" and sob and sob and SOB about how their journey isn't done and they need to be on the ranch and they're just finding out who they really are and yadda yadda yadda (wow...when did I get so sensitive?).  Not to mention that I really have no idea how the show is still on the air.  It's in its, what, 13th season?  AND IT'S THE SAME THING EVERY TIME, WEEK AFTER WEEK, EPISODE AFTER EPISODE!!!  WHY, Lord, do people continue to watch men with full-scale back boobs sweat and cry for a straight hour every single week?!  I'm fairly certain that, had this show never been created and we heard that our troops were making Guantanamo Bay inmates watch that sort of content, we, as a society, would be appalled at our treatment of terrorists.

That said, it's still a guilty pleasure and I love seeing those chunkers sweat off the pounds and truly transform themselves into healthier and happier folks.  But, one thing I've been seeing more and more is shamelessly blatant SUBWAY advertising being injected into any given episode.  It's very Truman Showesque.  For example, last week's episode featured a contest between two of the housemates whereby the loser had to buy the other lunch.  Guess where they got the food?  Yup, the House o' Jared.  But, hey, whatever, that's cool...no problem there.  It was the talking head clip afterwards that really got me when trainer Dolvett--what is that, btw, Dolvett?  It's not a name, I'll tell you that much.  It sounds like a car that was last seen in 1973...--started spouting off about how he always recommends people eat Subway because Subway offers subs at under X calories and Subway is easy and healthy and FEH!!  C'mon man, really?  Does it have to be THAT obvious they're paying you ridiculous sums of money to push their product?  It just seems to cheapen the integrity of the trainers who, for some reason, I hold in high esteem after watching them kick that much ass for as long as they've been doing it (and believe me, non-watchers, it's been a LOT of ass...).

It just irritates me.  And, I don't know why, but I'd much rather be subconsciously lured into shopping at Subway by strategic product placement rather than transparent, scripted endorsements.  So, Biggest Loser, let's put an end to the lame, forced narrative ads and stick to what you do best: placing branded foodstuffs around multi-chinned diabetics and letting the schvitzfest ensue!

So THAT's where Kenny G's been hiding!

I know it's been weighing on your minds as it has mine all these long years: WHERE HAS KENNY G BEEN??  One minute he was playing soothing new age tunes on his not-at-all-emasculating soprano saxophone, and the next he was...well, just gone.  Kind of like Keyser Söze, but instead of the fake limp and convincing anecdotes, he had a monstrously receding hairline and did duets with Michael Bolton.

However, I think I finally figured out where Waldo has been all these years.  See, Kenny undoubtedly realized his gift of ultra-chill saxophonery was only good for a certain period of time (1992, specifically); he needed a new venture to stay relevant in contemporary pop culture.  Something different enough from what he was known for; something that would really separate him from the stereotype he'd become.  And then it hit me...

KENNY G IS TOBEY MAGUIRE!

No, really, look!  Take away the sax, curly locks, and 5 o'clock shadow and, BAM, you've got Spidey.  I don't know how I didn't see it before.  And it only makes sense...he gets to maintain popularity and acclaim while dispensing with all the Kenny G bashing that has followed him for so many years.  Not to mention I'm sure he's always been jealous of people with last names.

So there you have it, folks...mystery solved.  I know that I, for one, will be able to sleep soundly tonight knowing that our Kenny is alive and well.  And now, I'm going to put Breathless on loop and gaze endlessly into the distance.

Quote of the Day

"Why do people say 'grow some balls?'  Balls are weak and sensitive.  If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina.  Those things can take a pounding”

-Betty White (finder's credit given to Mark Shabason, President of the Betty White Fan Club For Men)

Foxy

The Wife thinks that Sam Trammell from True Blood looks like the Car Fox...you be the judge.