Productivity in Pants

I've never had a Casual Friday in any of my previous jobs.  The firms/agencies in which I worked pre/during law school didn't have it, the college video store clerk gig didn't require anything over a loincloth and shoes, and the camp counselor job actually required me to dress UP on Fridays, not down.  So, needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that my newest place o' work allowed for jeans come the end of the week.  Even more surprising, I couldn't believe how much my productivity went up when denimly-attired.  For some reason, I found myself more inclined to work harder for longer periods of time on Casual Fridays.  This brought many questions to light: Was it the jeans that did it?  Is it because I was more comfortable and, thus, less likely to shift position?  Was it all in my mind?  Am I the only one??

So I asked around.  I found that many of my co-workers experienced the same jeans-related motivation as I had.  I mean, it only makes sense, right?  Man, in his natural form, is devoid of the restrictions provided by pants (both in movement and support).  Therefore, encumbered by pants, man is farther from his natural form and desires to return to a pants-free state (just ask my Wife...the old apartment was often a pants-free zone.  Needless to say, there's been quite an adjustment after having moved back in with Mom.).  This desire prohibits Man from devoting full concentration to any given task and, thus, limits productivity accordingly.  In fact, I postulate that there is a direct correlation between type of pants worn at work and productivity.

Take lawyers, for instance.  Lawyers wear suits.  Lawyers also bill by the hour (typically).  However, a lawyer must work more hours than they bill in order to come out even.  Why?  Because you can only bill someone for the work you do, and no one works 10 hours straight on the same task (except for my sister, who, while she probably won't ever read this, would undoubtedly take offense at that blanket statement.  But as I'm reasonably confident she's part robot, I'm standing behind my assertion.).  You get up, you go to the bathroom, you take needed breaks, you do an expense report or two, etc...  So, in order to get 10 billable hours of work, Joe Attorney needs to clock, say, 12 hours of work time.  This system was put into place to ensure the client gets what they pay for.  But in creating this system, no one seemed to take into account the amount of non-billable activity caused by wearing less-than-comfortable pants.  Anyone who's sat in an office chair for hours on end in some good ol' flat-front cotton Dockers knows of what I speak--you sit for a while, then you shift, then you shift back, then you do the "half-stand-adjust" maneuver, rinse and repeat.  And don't discount the ride-up factor--you know what I'm talkin' about, Gents.  The ol' moose knuckle!  Gets ya every time!  Add to that the discomfort provided by your average partially-uncomfortable office chair, and you're knee deep in ADD pudding.  The inability to sit still begets frequent/necessary breaks from whatever is being worked on and, thus, productivity takes a plunge.

There is the argument, of course, that wearing professional attire lends itself to increased productivity for reasons psychological in nature.  To this, my good sir, I scoff.  Just take a look at surgeons.  These poor bastards have to stand up and work in dedicated concentration for hours on end, perform works of miraculous proportions and make snap life-or-death decisions, all the while functioning on limited sleep and worn patience.  And does the hospital require them to wear black microfiber J. Ferrar's so they'll be at the top of their game??  NO.  Surgeons wear scrubs...the polar opposite, in comfort and maneuverability, of suit pants/slacks.  Obviously there are reasons other than comfort as to why surgeons wear scrubs...but the point is they're not required to wear slacks and, yet, are successful at helping people dodge DEATH daily.  And if surgeons are permitted to wear the equivalent of pajama pants while someone's life is on the line, my vote's in for attorneys (and the like) to have the same privilege while they churn out briefs.  If I'm meeting with a client, fine, I'll suit it up.  Otherwise, I should be able to wear a freakin' hula skirt with suspenders if the moment moves me thusly.

Next time you're Fridaying casually, take notice of your productivity and attention span if you haven't on previous occasions.  And then forward this post to your boss along with an already-revised version of your office's dress code.  Your slacks-weary colleagues will thank you.

"Thus" Count: 3 + 1 "thusly"

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MoCo News: Snowmaggedapocalypsicane Thwarted!

It was announced earlier this morning that Montgomery County, MD, in anticipation of what may amount to a dastardly two inches of snow, will build an underground city as a safe haven for all future winter storms.  The city, dubbed "Nirvana on the Pike," will consist of a series of interconnected tunnels and buildings allowing the citizens to live and thrive underground for months on end until the storm ceases or spring arrives, whichever comes first.

"This is probably the best idea I've ever had," commented County Executive Isiah Leggett,  "We're even going to put two malls down there so, even in these subterranean conditions, people can still choose not to go to Lakeforest."

The county is working tirelessly to prepare "NiPi" for habitation by mid-January 2011, at which time residents of Potomac and Bethesda will be allowed to enter the premises and begin hiring independent contractors to improve upon their lodgings.  Residents of Rockville, Gaithersburg, and Germantown will then be given entry to take up the remaining space.  Olney residents will be provided with separate lodgings but will not have direct access to the city.  Registration for NiPi will take place next week via either its newly-created Facebook page where you must "like" the city in order to secure your spot underground, or an app currently in development by the team who brought you Angry Birds.